Silly Writing

The Turnip Keepers

By Toklaham Veruzia

With Contributions from Polly Welsop and Bades Remji

“Quick! Grab me the cookbook!” yelled Fred over the blaring alarm. His hand was shoved up to his elbow in a crack in the laboratory’s steel wall.

“It’s too dangerous! The Andromeda Galaxy has vanished into oblivion!” replied his assistant, Ned, as he stared at data fluctuating across a computer screen.

“Wait, huh? What are you talking about?” asked Fred.

“The southern cameras indicate that an intruder has breached the perimeter! Shall I send guards to stop him?” asked Ted, Fred’s other assistant.

“No! I don’t care about the intruder!” responded Fred, desperation edging into his voice. “Just get me the cookbook before the entire area destabilizes!”

“Yes, sir!” Ted leapt to respond to Fred’s command, scaling a series of iron pipes mounted on the west wall of the windowless, brightly lit room. He reached a hole in the roof and disappeared into the attic. Meanwhile, Ned frantically typed some commands on the keyboard, hoping to discover that the information displayed on the screen was due to some anomaly or glitch. Alas, it was not to be so.

“What are we going to do!?!” he asked desperately, shouting to be heard over the still-screaming alarm.

“I have the cookbook!” announced Ted triumphantly as he emerged from the attic through a hole in the ceiling. Not bothering to climb back down the pipes, he leapt out of the entry and hit the floor in a crouching position with a thud. Straightening, he handed the leather-bound, ancient tome full of recipes to his boss, who removed his arm from the wall and replaced it with the cookbook. With its energy source in place, the cookbook powered electric system was no longer in danger of destabilizing. The alarm stopped.

“Ah, well, that wasn’t ideal, but it will work until I can order the fifth edition from Amazon,” said Fred. “Thanks Ted! I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Fred!” screamed Ned. “This graph depicts several dangerous trends which, if they are allowed to continue, have potential to annihilate the entire universe!”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” said Fred, but before he could look at the computer screen and see for himself, the power went out.

“Is this normal?” whispered Ned after the lights turned off, plunging the entire room into complete darkness. He strained his eyes, trying to see the movements of his boss, whom he knew to be just a few feet in front of him. However, the obscuring blackness thwarted his efforts.

That was when the door exploded.

The sound of a heavy object striking wood with immense force sounded from outside, and the door shattered under a powerful blow. Splinters splattered onto the floor, which was now illuminated by artificial light streaming from the hallway. At the doorway stood a tall, muscular man wearing a three-piece business suit, a pink tie, and dark sunglasses that obscured his eyes. His right hand held upright a heavy oak spear with a bronze tip.

“It’s the intruder!” whispered Ted, shocked. The man lowered his spear and pointed it at Fred. Then he spoke something in French, something that only Fred understood, because Ned and Ted didn’t speak French. This dire proclamation filled Fred with so much terror he fainted on the spot.

“He killed Fred!” exclaimed Ned as Fred collapsed, crashing into a table and scattering research notes in the process. Ted drew his saber from its sheath and leapt towards the intruder. The mysterious man blocked the blow with his spear and then thrust his weapon forward, striking Ted with enough force to knock him to the ground. Ted jumped back to his feet and dodged another spear thrust. The intruder swung his spear in a wide, powerful arc. The shaft hit Ted on the side and knocked the wind out of him. The man lifted his arm back to stab Ted with a killing blow.

Ned grabbed a BB gun of a wall rack and fired it at the intruder. The large man let out a cry in another language as the small bullet thudded into his spear arm. The spear thrust missed Ted and pierced the cookbook embedded in the wall instead. As the intruder lifted his spear back, the ancient cookbook was pulled out of the crack. Immediately, the alarm screamed back to life, and the lights flickered back on.

The intruder bellowed angrily and turned on Ned. The spear’s heavy shaft struck Ned’s head with devastating force. Ned slumped to the ground. The last thing he heard was Ted yelling, “The Turnip Keepers are here!”. Then everything went black.

***

Arthur McDonter drove his silver car into his driveway and parked it. He stepped out and walked into his small, suburban house in the city of Upper Ogleden. The moldy green bacon was there, as it always was, levitating a few inches above his countertop. Arthur stared at it with disgust. After an exhausting day at work, the last thing he needed was to be reminded of the disdain the rest of his family held for him. He had always been his parents’ least favorite child. This had started, Arthur suspected, at his birth, because his parents’ had named his three older brothers, Eisenhower, Truman and Jefferson, after U.S presidents, but had left their youngest out of the trend.

Arthur walked into the living room and slumped dejectedly on the couch. It needed to be cleaned, but Arthur didn’t feel like doing any work right now, instead thinking about how he disliked his relatives. That he was unpopular among his family members had become abundantly clear four years ago, when the time had come for Michael McDonter, Arthur’s great-grandfather and patriarch of the McDonter clan, to divide up the items of the Champion’s Breakfast among the next generations. Arthur’s brother Eisenhower had been given guardianship of the Oatmeal Sword; his cousin Philip, the Pancake of Power; Arthur, a piece of moldy bacon.

Michael had died two years ago, at the ripe old age of 135, and Arthur had shed no tears at his passing. What was moldy bacon doing in the Champion’s Breakfast anyway? Whoever ate it would probably have to be hospitalized. The only other member of the McDonter clan who even came close to having a worse item was Arthur’s great-aunt Muriel Whitestone, Guardian of the Eternal Turnip. Why anyone would want any turnip, let alone one that lasted forever, was a great mystery to Arthur. It wasn’t even a breakfast item.

If I had a nuclear bomb like the ones in the history books, no one would dare disrespect me, mused Arthur grumpily. Of course, nobody had nukes now, or any kind of advanced weapons. Ever since the weapons technological recession virus, commonly abbreviated WTRV, had spread across the world sixty years ago, all the firearms and explosives had been disabled. The armies of the world had gone back to killing each other with swords, spears, axes and bows, although modern transportation and other technology was still functional.

Arthur’s iPhone rang, interrupting his dejected narcissism. Groaning, he pulled it out of his pocket.

“Arthur! We’re going to pick you up in the helicopter in ten minutes! Are you ready?” It was Arthur’s father, Elinter.

“Wait, what for?” asked Arthur.

“Didn’t you get Uncle Komri’s text message? There’s going to be a McDonter family meeting at five o’clock today, and everyone’s called to attend,” explained Elinter. Komri, Michael’s second son, had taken up the mantle of the head of the McDonter clan after his father’s death. “Make sure to bring your breakfast items.”

“Yeah, I’ll be ready.” Arthur hung up. He packed the moldy bacon in a special case, being careful not to touch it any more than necessary, then went to the window to wait for the helicopter to arrive.

***

Sunlight filtered through the small, barred window, barely illuminating the damp prison cell. Karri was sitting, knees huddled to her chest, when the Turnip Keepers came into the dungeon, dragging a man and carrying two others. It had been three days and nights in that dark, dank dungeon and Karri was sick of not knowing whether it was night or day, dawn or dusk, and being chained to the wall.

“Hey you!” yelled Karri struggling against her thick chains. The Turnip Keeper that she had yelled at gave no recognition of her existence. When the two guards had finished chaining the prisoners to the wall, they departed, locking the cell door behind them. Karri sighed and buried her head in her knees. The three men were unconscious. One had blood crusted on his forehead. The guards had obviously not been very gentle with them. Karri remembered three days ago when she had been dragged into that dark dungeon. She had struggled fiercely against the Turnip Keepers when they came to arrest her, and had consequently arrived in the dungeon with a cut lip, a bloody nose, and a sprained ankle. Now her lip was healing, and her nose wasn't bleeding but her ankle… her ankle made it impossible to escape, even if there had been a way to get out.

Karri watched the new prisoners, wondering what they had done to incur the wrath of the Turnip Keepers. Had they tried to steal from the Grand Treasury? Or, like Karri, had they been simple turnip farmers, unable to pay taxes once the Turnip Keepers confiscated all their crops? She groaned, stretching her legs against the iron manacles. Would she ever get out of the dungeon? At least once those men woke up she would have someone to talk to. But for now the cell was quiet and still. Earlier, one of the guards had brought water and some soggy oatmeal. Karri yelled at the guards again and again, but it did no good. Her voice hoarse, Karri dragged the water bucket toward herself and had a huge drink. It tasted funny.

Oh well, at least it’s water, Karri thought. She groaned against the pain in her ankle. The Turnip Keepers were cruel to everybody, but their reign had been especially hard on families like Karri’s, which had been turnip farmers for generations. Why was their leader so obsessed with gathering turnips anyway? She couldn’t remember his name, but she thought it was from some sort of children’s television show.

Half an hour later, one of the three men chained to the wall next to Karri stirred. He pried his eyeballs open. “Who are you and why are you here and where is here? Why am I chained to a random wall?” he said, looking at Karri. “I’m Ted, and they are Fred and Ned.”

Karri studied him. “I’m Karri Smith, cousin of Joe Smith who I hope will randomly swoop in and save me. This is the Dungeon of the Turnip Keepers. I don’t know why you are here, but I’m here because I was a simple turnip farmer, and I was unable to pay my taxes so the Turnip Keepers locked me up and confiscated all my crops.”

“Um, your head is a turnip,” said Ted.

“AAAAAHHHHH!!!” exclaimed Karri. She sat bolt upright against the stone wall. She reached up and patted her head to make sure it wasn’t a turnip. With a sigh of relief, she realized that she had been napping and her brief dialogue with the other prisoner had all been a dream.

“Did you have a nightmare or something?” asked one of the new prisoners.

“Yeah, I dreamed my head was a turnip,” replied Karri. “What’s your name?”

“Ted Amberhop. What’s yours?”

Weird, thought Karri. My dream knew his name. “It’s Karri, Karri McDonter.” she said. Karri frowned as she recalled that in her dream, she had claimed to be the cousin of Joe Smith. The only Joe Smith she’d ever heard of had been mayor of her village five years ago, but his term in office had been brought to a brutally abrupt end by a cruel assassination. “How’d you get here?”

“Well, the alarm was going off, and Ned was freaking out about some graphs on the computer screen nobody else saw. I got Fred the cookbook and he used it to deactivate the alarm, only it also caused the power to go out. I-” Ted stopped suddenly. “I just remembered. We working on a classified project, and I’m not allowed to tell anyone about it.”

“Huh,” grunted Karri. “I love turnips and turtles. Do ray me fa so la ti do!” She suddenly realized that she had slipped into a trance that made her say random things. Three days and nights in jail can do a lot of damage to your brain.

“Are you ok?” asked Ted.

“Yeah,” replied Karri. “I slipped into a trance.” She shook her auburn waves of hair to clear her head. The door of the jail opened and the Turnip Keepers shoved a random person in a bunny suit through the door. After chaining him to the wall, they turned around and left. A steam train barreled into the cell and hit Karri in the head. “A train! And a random person in a bunny suit!” she screamed. Then she convulsed and fainted.

“That’s not good,” said Ted. She must have been hallucinating. Ted wasn’t sure why. Had she not been given any water while locked up in the dungeon? No, there was a bucket of water nearby. Maybe it was drugged. “Hey! Guards!” Ted called. “One of your prisoners is sick. You have to help her!” There was no response.

Ted heard a terrible retching sound behind him and turned his head. Fred was on his hands and knees, barfing on the stone floor.

Karri screamed something unintelligible. Ted began to worry she might die if she didn’t see a doctor soon.

“Get...the key,” gasped Fred, sucking in big breaths of air. Ted looked around and saw a silver key resting in a puddle of Fred’s barf. He grabbed it and used it to unlock his chains, then Fred’s chains.

“I swallowed that two days ago, but never thought I would need to use it this way,” said Fred. “I’ll carry Ned, and you’ll get the unconscious girl.”

Ted wanted to ask why Fred swallowed the exact key that would open the dungeon chains, but decided to save it for later. He unchained Karri and lifted her onto his back, while Fred did the same for Ned.

“Will that key open the cell door?” asked Ted.

“It opens everything,” said Fred. “Everything!” he repeated, a little bit louder.

Huh, thought Ted, looking at the key. Who would have guessed? He supposed it wasn’t too far-fetched, as Fred was a skilled inventor. He had probably swallowed the key and stored in a special pouch in his stomach until he needed it.

As they ran out the back door of the cell into a dark alleyway using Fred’s super night vision beams to light the way, Ted asked Fred where they were going.

“Home, of course,” replied Fred.

“What about her?” asked Ted, nodding his head at Karri.

“Um. We’ll take her with us and figure it out later.”

“Ok.” After 10 miles of running, stopping, and running again, they popped out of the alleyway onto Fred’s front porch. “How did you know a ten mile alleyway lead right to your house?” asked Ted.

“I’ll tell you later.” was the response. They stepped inside. “Ted, you get what’s-er-face and Ned water and pour it on their faces to revive them, while I call the doctor.”

“Goody!” was Ted’s reply. He couldn’t wait to wake Ned and tell him of the exciting and daring escape he and Fred had made. He also wanted to find out more about the strange girl, Karri McDonter.

Suddenly, a stream of musical scales flew out of Karri’s mouth. “Do, mi, so, mi, do,” she sang. “Joe a deer, a female deer.”

Weird, thought Ted as he realized he was on a far away battlefield, engaged in desperate conflict against an army commanded by an evil knight who seemed strangely familiar...

***

Fred groaned as Ted fainted to the floor. This escape had just gotten a lot harder. Ted must have been hallucinating, as he had just asked Fred how he knew about a ten mile alleyway straight to Fred’s house. Was there something about this dungeon that made people faint and hallucinate?

Fred would have to find some way to wake them up. He didn’t stand a chance at escaping with three unconscious bodies. Maybe he could take some water from a guard and sprinkle it on their faces.

Thinking about water reminded Fred how thirsty he was, but he didn't dare trust the water in the bucket with the ladle that was about four feet from him. He suspected it had been drugged and had made Ted and Karri faint. He was still really thirsty though. Oh well, he thought. Just another reason to escape from here.

Fred quietly peered out the cell door’s barred window. A guard wielding a spear lurked near the end of a torchlit corridor. Fred sneaked his arm through the bars and used the silver key to unlock the door. The hinges were rusted, and would likely squeak loudly when opened. Fred didn’t want to alert the guard to his escape, so he devised another plan. He took a deep breath and put his plan into action.

“AAAAAHHHHH!!!!” he screamed. “HELP!!!! I’m dieing!”

The guard turned his head. “Shut up!”

“ARRGGHH!” Fred continued his hysterics. “Help me! I’m sick and dieing of cancer!!! And every other disease in the universe! AAAAAHHHHH!!!”

“Just make him stop so we won’t have to listen to him,” another voice called, presumably an additional guard out of Fred’s line of sight.

Now I know that there’s at least two guards nearby, thought Fred.

“You! Shut up or you’ll regret it!” shouted the first guard.

“NOOOOOO!!!! It’s the end of the world!! The rats are going to eat all the turnips!!! Beware the Akodils!!!”

“That’s it! I’m going to get you!” The first guard stormed angrily down the hall, gripping his spear. As he neared the cell, Fred slammed his body against the door. It swung open and slammed into the guard’s face. There was a cracking sound as the guard was thrown backwards and slumped to the floor.

Fred hurried out of the cell. The guard was alive, but his nose was bloody and would likely never be the same again. Fred tied his hands together with the guard’s belt in case he woke up.

“Hey! What’s going on over there?” the second guard called.

Fred picked up the spear and hefted it experimentally. The guard rounded the corner and spotted Fred.

“Hey yooouuuu,” he said as he began to run towards Fred. His steps were shaky, as if he were intoxicated. The guard his drew his sword from the leather sheath attached to his belt. However, the top half of the blade was missing.

“Wh-wh-what?” stammered the guard.

He’s definitely drunk, thought Fred. This should be easy. Fred swung the shaft of the spear so that it hit the inebriated guard’s head. The guard fell down, unconscious with his broken blade falling on the floor.

Fred approached the defeated jailer. The guard’s sheath was filled with some sort reddish liquid which Fred guessed to be wine. The guard had been drinking while on duty, hiding the alcohol in his scabbard.

“That’s so incredibly negligent,” Fred murmured to himself. “But it worked well for the prisoners he was supposed to be guarding.” Fred unbuckled the sheath from the man’s belt and sprinkled some of the wine of Ned’s face.

“Aaah!” exclaimed Ned as he woke from his sleep. “What is on my face? It smells disgusting!”

“It’s wine,” replied Fred.

“Where are we?” asked Ned. “And why were you drinking alcohol? I thought you were a teetotaler.”

“We’re in the Dungeon of the Turnip Keepers. And I wasn’t drinking wine; one of the guards was.”

“So that guy with the spear was a Turnip Keeper? And he kidnapped us? But wait, why did the guard give you wine?”

“No, the intruder at the laboratory wasn’t a Turnip Keeper. I’m not sure what happened, because I was unconscious, but I think he was trying to kidnap us. However, the Turnip Keepers arrived, stole us from the guy with the spear, and threw us in the dungeon. Numerous factions would be interested in the project we were working on, and the original abductor could have been working for any one of them.”

“He was probably disappointed, since we hadn’t made any progress in discovering the cure for the virus. How come we’re not in a cell?”

Fred quickly explained how he had escaped from the cell, and why they would have to carry Ted and Karri. Suddenly, Ned gasped.

“Fred! I just remembered!” he exclaimed. “The data the computer was showing before the power went out- the whole universe is in danger of being destroyed!”

“How?” asked Fred. He was little bit skeptical of the claim, as it sounded quite far-fetched.

“Well, I first began to suspect that something was dreadfully wrong when I observed through my telescope that Andromeda Galaxy had vanished, replaced with a supermassive black hole.”

“And what did you find out?”

“You know how scientists think the universe is always expanding? Well, it turns out that they’re wrong. Rather than getting bigger, the universe is shrinking. As its size decreases, the planets and stars will be pushed together until they’re all in one giant mass. Eventually, the universe will collapse on itself, and everything that ever was will vanish into oblivion. Of course, by then we will all have already died. ”

“Wow,” remarked Fred. “About how much time do we have before all this happens?”

“Well, if the collapse of the universe had continued at the rate that I first observed it to be happening at, somewhere between five hundred and five thousand years. However, what’s really alarming is what the computer simulations were projecting shortly before the power went out. The universe has begun to shrink at a terrifyingly fast rate, and if it were to continue to do so at this speed, earth could be unsuitable for human existence in a mere three months, with only another two months before the universe ceased to exist entirely.”

“Huh,” said Fred. “Sounds pretty scary, but since we can’t do anything about it right now, how about we just concentrate on escaping from this dungeon?”

“Sounds good,” replied Ned. “We can’t stop the end of the world, so we might as well not worry about it.”

“Right,” said Fred, hoisting the unconscious Ted onto his back. “Can you handle Karri?”

“Yes,” Ned replied. “Do you know how to get out of here?”

“Well, I studied several important prison systems while I was training for the FBI. It’s been awhile since then, but if we’re where I think we are, I’m fairly certain I can find the way out. Actually, this escape is going very easily, and I’m quite surprised there weren’t more guards around our cell.”

“Hey, the prisoners escaped!” came an unfamiliar voice.

“Uh-oh, I think you spoke too soon, Fred,” said Ned. Three Turnips Keepers stood in the stone hall, armed with sabers. Each wore an iron breastplate with the symbol of a turnip emblazoned on its chest.

“Capture them,” ordered the foremost Keeper, whose face sported a small black goatee. The turnip on his armor was surrounded by two gold rings, which Fred knew to be an insignia identifying the soldier as a captain.

All three Turnip Keepers surged forward, swords drawn. Fred slid Ted to the ground, then grabbed the spear and held it crosswise, barring the hall. Ned tried to fight back with the drunken guard’s broken blade, but the snapped sword fared poorly against the Turnip Keeper’s real weapons. More guards heard the conflict and came to help. Fred and Ned were quickly overwhelmed by superior forces.

“Stop!” the captain yelled at a Keeper that was about to stab Fred with his sword. “The Evil Lord Master Overlord wants them brought before him alive.”

“Yes, Captain Haffingway,” the soldier replied, snapping his sword back into its sheath. Fred’s arms were roughly tied and the soldiers began to force him down the hall. Ned was getting the same treatment.

“What about them?” asked one of the Keepers, indicating Ted and Karri.

“Take them too,” replied Captain Haffingway.

As the soldiers forced Fred and Ned to march out of the dungeon, the captain looked at the drunken guard lying on the floor with disgust. “Stupid man,” he muttered, stroking his goatee. “Getting drunk while on duty. He will be punished for this.”

***

The helicopter’s four propeller blades pushed through the air on the way ancient, ancestral McDonter home. Inside, Arthur’s father Elinter steered the machine while Arthur, Jefferson, Truman and Eisenhower sat in the back seat.

“So, does anyone know what this meeting is about?” asked Truman in Latin. Tradition dictated that all members of the McDonter clan learned to speak Latin when they were young. Truman had picked the language up easier than most, and had gone on to learn several more.

“Speak English, please. My Latin’s very rusty,” said Jefferson.

“So, does anyone know what this meeting is about?” repeated Truman, in English this time. He adjusted his thick glasses and his old army helmet. Though he didn’t actually need the glasses, he always wore them in order to resemble his namesake.

“I would imagine it would be something important,” said Eisenhower. Eisenhower had played football while in college. However, he turned to baking after suffering a back injury, and now owned the most successful bakery in Upper Ogleden.

“Well, I can’t be sure, but there’s been rumors circulating that one the breakfast items has been stolen,” responded Elinter.

“Um, where’s Mom?” asked Arthur.

“She took the car so she could pick up three sandwiches and some donuts for lunch tomorrow.”

Arthur stared out the window. Hopefully this meeting wouldn’t be too long. He was curious to find out the reason for the sudden convention, but not eager to embark on a long, convoluted quest to find a lost breakfast item or complete any other task.

“I hope they’re tomato sandwiches,” said Truman, forgetting that he was the only person in the helicopter who spoke French.

“What?” asked Elinter.

“Sorry, I said, I hope they’re tomato sandwiches.”

Gross, thought Arthur. I hate tomatos!
“So, are we all here?” it was Uncle Komri. He was tall. Very tall. He had grayish brown hair and twinkling blue eyes. Uncle Komri was, in Arthur’s mind, boring. He always had been. And whenever Uncle Komri started to talk, Arthur started to snooze. Uncle Komri had a very soothing voice. Arthur had never been very attentive in his Latin lessons so whenever the family started speaking in Latin, Arthur wanted to scream.

For now, Uncle Komri’s image was being a projected by a hologram device on the helicopter, which Elinter used to communicate with other family members. Soon, Arthur would see Komri in person. Not that he was particularly looking forward to that event. At least he would find out what happened to cause this sudden meeting to be convened.

“I’m flying in the helicopter with my sons,” said Elinter. “Daffiny is driving in the car.” Daffiny was Elinter’s wife.

“Are you armed?” Komri’s voice came through the hologram.

“Yes, we all have our breakfast items, and the helicopter has a electric crossbow mounted on the side, but why?”

“There have been dangerous attacks against our family recently. No one was killed, but some were wounded, and I believe we have acquired a dangerous new enemy.”

“Who was attacked? How?”

“I’ll tell you more at the meeting. We can’t risk saying too much where there’s a risk of it being intercepted. But what about Daffiny? Is she traveling alone? Is she carrying her breakfast item?”

“She has the Magic Mushrooms with her, but I’ll call to make sure she’s safe.”

“Ok, I have to go now. Good bye.”

“Goodbye, Uncle.”

The hologram shut off. Elinter tapped the touch screen on the helicopter’s dashboard and said in a clear voice, “Call Daffiny.” The device beeped a few times, then projected another hologram into the air, this one showing Daffiny sitting in the driver’s seat of the car.

“Turn off the hologram,” said Elinter’s wife. “It’s dangerous to be distracted while driving.”

Elinter tapped the touch screen again, and the communications device transferred to voice-only mode. The hologram disappeared.

“Komri just called and told me that there have been some attacks against some of our family members recently. Have you had any trouble?” said Elinter.

“No, although I am stuck in traffic and will probably be a little late for the meeting,” replied Daffiny.

Elinter turned the helicopter so that it pointed in the direction of McDonter Manor, Komri’s home. “Glad to hear that you’re safe. Stay that way, ok?”

“I can do that. I don’t think anyone would try to attack me in the middle of a crowded freeway, and I can defend myself using the Mushrooms and my rapier.” Daffiny was one the most skilled female warriors in the McDonter clan, having completed three years of fencing practice.

***

The helicopter descended towards a landing pad located in a grassy field several yards from the manor’s main gate. Several other helicopters were already parked there, and several other vehicles were stationed near the long, winding dirt road leading up to Komri’s house. Arthur spotted a tank among them.

Weird, he thought. This attack must’ve gotten everyone’s nerves up. As he watched Eisenhower step out of the helicopter, he saw the Oatmeal Sword in a sheath at his brother’s side. Irked as he was reminded once again that Eisenhower had been deemed more worthy than him, he inwardly vowed not to help on a quest if the need to do so arose.

Eisenhower opened the rear storage compartment of the helicopter located near the tail. He loaded several trays of baked Oatmeal Muffins, his specialty dish at his bakery, into his arms. He carried the muffins up to manor’s kitchen and deposited them on a wide counter. Manira, Jane and Catherine McDonter were preparing several delicious looking foods.

“We’re going to be having dinner after the meeting,” said Manira, Komri’s middle-aged niece, master baker, and Guardian of the Sacred Pastry. At sixty-two years, Manira was the oldest of the three women working in the kitchen, as well as the one who had been Eisenhower’s baking mentor.“I see you brought some muffins.”

“I’ve been inventing a lot of new recipes lately, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make muffins as good as yours!” replied Eisenhower.

Manira took one of the muffins and sampled a small bite. “Hmmm,” she mused. “Don’t be too quick to say that. These are some of the best muffins I’ve ever tasted!

A bell rang loudly from the manor’s highest steeple, signaling that the meeting would start soon.

“Oh, we’d better get going,” said Catherine. “We wouldn’t want to be late for this meeting.” She hurriedly finished mixing together a diverse fruit salad and covered it with a towel in order to keep the flies out.

Eisenhower quickly stepped out of the kitchen and, followed by the three chefs, walked down an outdoor pathway towards the meeting room. Uncle Komri was standing just outside the doors. His breakfast item, the Egg of Omnipotence, had been made into a necklace and was hung around his neck. Eisenhower greeted his uncle, then stepped through the large doorway into the spacious room. Everyone was there except for some of the distant cousins that were holders of very minor Champion’s Breakfast and lunch items. Eisenhower saw that Elinter had rejoined Daffiny and was sitting with her in the front row. He took a seat a few chairs back and looked towards the stage, where most of Komri’s siblings were standing. Only the eldest of this generation of McDonters, Thanarty, was absent, having been killed in a tragic gopher accident many years ago.

Soon Komri would join them, and they would kick off the meeting by making some announcements. Eisenhower glanced at his watch. 4:59 P.M. In one minute the meeting would start. As Eisenhower was still looking at his watch, Uncle Komri strode down the center aisle to take his place behind a podium. Although he was no longer in his prime, pushing one hundred and nine years old, his many years had done little to diminish his mental and physical prowess. The lights illuminating the stage brightened as Komri ascended to his place.

“My dear fellow McDonters!” Komri silenced the murmuring crowd with a raise of his hand. “Many of you are wondering why this gathering of our clan was announced so abruptly. We have met together today to discuss a matter of grave importance. Recently, several dastardly attacks have been carried out against members of our family. Although no one was killed, some injuries were inflicted.”

Eisenhower noticed that a few of the McDonters in the crowd had bandaged limbs and other signs of wounds. He also noticed that several looked at each other with looks of astonishment, and a series of surprised whispers rippled through the congregation.

“I believe that we are faced with a dangerous new enemy. My beloved brother, Telrance, whom as you know has worked as a private investigator for the past thirty-five years, has been looking into this crucial matter and has uncovered some evidence pointing towards the identity of the culprit.”

As Komri was speaking, a representative from the side of the family to which the Lunch items belonged to stood up.

“I am sorry to interrupt, but who is this enemy that we are not able to fight against?” It was Rewant, a distant relative from the other side of the family with a reputation as a notorious thief. Eisenhower knew that he had once stolen the Air Force One - while the President of the United States was flying in it, and he didn’t even notice until two days later!,as Rewant was fond of boasting - and it had taken Komri’s best diplomatic skills to convince him to give it back before a national panic ensued.

“I did not say we were not able to fight. Telrance will now give you the information he has gathered,” Komri replied. The McDonter family head sat down in a chair towards the rear of the stage and his brother walked up to the podium.

Telrance was a thin, wiry old man, who was always relied on to investigate anything that was a problem. Although he wasn’t the skilled orator Komri was, Eisenhower knew him to be intelligent as well as courageous, who had never been known to back down from doing the right thing even if it put him in danger.

“Well, I-” before Telrance could begin speaking, the entrance to the room was thrown open. A tall man with brown hair rushed down the aisle.

“Philip!” exclaimed Telrance. “What brings you here so late, and why do you appear-”

“It’s the Turnip Keepers!” Philip interrupted.

“That was what I had discovered. There was no need to-”

“They’ve attacked again. They’ve-”

“Who? When?” yelled a person in the crowd. Gasps rippled through the gathered McDonter family, and Komri stood up.

“Now, now everyone. Don't get too upset.” he said although you could tell that he was also shaken.

“Now, tell us Phillip, what happened?” He said, his voice completely controlled.

“It’s my mother, Muriel. She’s been kidnapped, and Father has already started chasing after the Turnip Keepers.

“I should’ve known!” bellowed Komri. “They’ve been trying to steal every turnip they could for years! It was only a matter time before they went after Muriel.” This sudden outburst came as a surprise to most of the people in the crowd, who knew Komri to very calm on most occasions.

“We must do something about this!” a shout rang out.

Komri, his face angry and red, slowly tried to control his breathing. When he had calmed himself, he said “We will do something, but we need to know more first. Philip, when did this vile attack take place?” His voice was calmer, but still betrayed edges of anxiety.

Philip sprinted up towards the stage. He stopped sprinting when he got to the stairs, and winced. He slowly leaned down and rubbed his leg.

“Phillip? Are you alright?” Komri said, hurrying towards him.

“I’m fine, it’s just that, when I was coming I think I pulled a muscle. I’ll be fine.” He walked more slowly up the stair and over to the podium. He pulled an iPhone out of his coat pocket and handed it to Komri.

“This app is displaying the location of Father’s helicopter as he pursues the kidnappers across the Atlantic Ocean. He’s tried to track the Turnip Keeper’s helicopter, but it’s been equipped with some sort of technology that makes it undetectable by radar. He can’t stop, because he needs to keep the helicopter within his vision field. It’s the only way to stop the Turnip Keepers from escaping completely.”

“Who else has this app?” said Telrance, with a worried expression.

“Only myself, my Mother, and my Father.” Philip replied, but Telrance still looked worried.

“They’re almost across the Atlantic Ocean,” mused Telrance as he looked at the app.

“We’ll have to act quickly to catch them,” said Komri. He strode up to the podium. “I propose that we stop this meeting and assemble an elite team to go save Muriel. All in favor, say aye!”

“Aye!” echoed every person in the crowd except one.

“And all opposed, say nay!”

“Nay,” murmured Arthur under his breath.

“Okay, it’s decided then!” Komri said as he jumped down from the stage with unusually youthful vigor that denied his age. “Mathew!” he called. “I need you to attach egg-powered turbo engines onto one of the helicopters. Put one on each of my helicopter and Elinter’s helicopter. Can you do that quickly?”

“It won’t be a problem,” replied Mathew McDonter as he got up from his seat and hurried out of the building. Mathew had always been a skilled mechanic, and was even more effective when using his breakfast item, the Waffle of Repairs.

***

The Turnip Keepers brought the prisoners before two oaken doors. An ominous message written in burnt, black letters proclaimed the identity of the room that lay beyond them:

The

Throne Room

of the

Evil Lord Master Overlord

of the

Turnip Keepers.

Captain Haffingway pushed open the doors and shoved Fred and Ned through the doorway, while two other guards dropped Ted and Karri on the floor. They both landed with a thunk and Fred winced as they were flat out dropped.

The throne room was smaller than Fred had expected. It had been built in the shape of a triangle, with the doorway at the widest end. From there, the room got progressively smaller, until the two walls met at the triangle’s tip. In this crevice at the far end of dimly lit room sat the throne of the ELMO.

A dark-robed figure rose from where he had been sitting on the throne. Flickering torchlight illumined his figure, but his expression was shadowed and indistinguishable, obscured by the hood of his black robe.

“Captain, take your soldiers and leave us,” the ELMO commanded.

“But my lord, what about the prisoners?” responded the captain, with an incredulous look at Fred, Ned, Ted, and Karri.

“You fool! Do you really think they could threaten me? I have the power of legions of turnips at my command!”

Captain Haffingway bowed swiftly, not speaking another word, then hastily turned and marched out of the room. His Turnip Keepers followed him. The doors slammed shut behind them with an ominous clanging sound. The ELMO descended from his throne and walked down the room until he stood in front of Fred.

“There,” said the ELMO. “Now we can talk without being distracted. I’m a very direct conversationalist, so I’ll get straight to my point: I want you to help me with my evil plan of world domination.”

“We’ll never help you!” yelled Ned.

“I’m not talking to you, idiot!” yelled the ELMO. He turned his shadowed head and caught Ned with a piercing glare. “You have nothing to offer me. I only want to talk with Fred here.”

“Oh ya? Well, guess what? You’re plan is doomed to failure! Even if you manage to conquer the whole world, it won’t matter one bit, because the universe is going to be destroyed!” Ned retorted.

“Wait a minute,” murmured the ELMO. “You came to know this after observing that the Andromeda Galaxy had vanished. Am I correct?”

“Yes, but how-”

“It’s really quite simple. I know about what you say will be the end of the universe because-” The ELMO paused for a moment. Ned had an ominous feeling that he was about to say something dreadful, something that would change the world forever.

“I caused it,” the Ruler of the Turnip Keepers finished.

***

Ted charged at the dark knight, his sword drawn. His feet pounded against the bloodstained grass as he raced past corpses strewn across the battlefield. He had to save Karri, and now this knight was the only thing standing in his way.

Early in the battle, the evil knight had commanded an army of a hundred minions. Ted had no chance of defeating them until his valiant friend, Captain Phelmatar, had charged into the conflict riding on a rhinoceros and turned the tide. Now, after hours of desperate, bloody fighting, Phelmatar lay dead several yards away, surrounded by a myriad of defeated foes. Phelmatar had fought bravely until his last breath, having been shot with twenty-three arrows and stabbed five times before succumbing to his numerous wounds. Together, he and Ted had been able to defeat the dark knight’s entire army, leaving only the evil master himself holding Karri prisoner.

Ted swung his broadsword in a powerful arc towards his foe. Blood from an earlier wound dripped down his cheek as the knight deflected the blow off his shield.

“You will never defeat me,” the evil knight growled. “I am more powerful than you could ever imagine!”

Ted was too exhausted to answer, focusing merely on the duel. Steel clashed against steel as the swords of Ted and the knight repeatedly struck each other. Ted was a skilled swordsman, but he was weary from the bitter fighting he had endured all afternoon, while the dark knight was still fresh and strong, having stood back from the battle and let his minions do all the work.

Slowly, inexorably, Ted was pushed back as the knight’s greater strength was repeatedly manifested. Seeing that his opponent was near defeat, the evil warrior unleashed a devastating series of blow that quickly wore down Ted’s defenses. Ted soon found himself with his back pressed against a rock wall, his sword having been dropped as the knight pushed him back.

“I told you I was stronger,” the evil knight hissed diabolically. “Now, I will show you my face just before I kill you.” The knight’s helmet slid off, revealing his surprisingly youthful features.

“Nardon Haffingway!” Ted gasped as he recognized his former acquaintance. “I knew you would do something like this!”

Suddenly, Nardon’s evil grin froze on his face. His sword slid to ground as he fell to his knees, his face contorted in pain. Just behind Nardon, Ted saw the most incredible, shocking and downright weird sight he’d ever witnessed.

Then he fainted.

***

“You were wrong, however, to assume that the universe would be coming to an complete end,” said the ELMO. “While the old world, the world as you know it, will fade away, it will be replaced a new world, one with me at its head.”

“You’re evil plan will never succeed!” yelled Ned.

“Fool!” hissed the ELMO. “You know nothing about what my brilliant, masterful plan involves! You could never defeat it, not if you had a million years and all the world’s armies at your command! BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“Ummmmm…” said Fred.

“That means might be able to defeat him, since we have no army and almost no time,” stated Ned, as the ELMO continued his evil laughter.

“No time to be funny,” said Fred. “We are prisoners, after all.”

Just then, there was a loud gasp from unconscious Ted. “Nardon Haffingway!” was what he said. “I knew you would do something like this!”

The ELMO stopped laughing. He stared at Ted’s face. He gasped. “Ted Amberhop!” and then he said something in an odd language. Ted’s eyes opened suddenly, and he sat up.

“Ugh,” he said. “Where-”

The ELMO pointed his open palm towards Ted. A turnip materialized in front of it. The ELMO grasped the turnip and hurled it in Ted’s direction. The vegetable collided with Ted’s forehead, producing a resounding thump. Ted’s eyes closed, and he slumped forward.

“There, now we can talk without having to deal with that fool,” the ELMO said.

“You know him?” asked Fred in a surprised tone.
“Not directly, but yes, one of my minions has quite a grudge against him,” answered the ELMO. “Not that it matters at all. You will acquiescence to assist in my evil plan, or you will suffer the consequences. Do not think I will hesitate to execute you. Although your intelligence will be an asset to me, I’ve already attained the information stored on the computer systems in your laboratory, my primary goal in your abduction. You are expendable. However, I’m sure that you’ll agree that helping is the better option, and in fact the only option, once I reveal to you the nature of my plan.” He beckoned with his hand towards the rear of the room. “Quesalban, you can come out now!”

A hidden trapdoor a few feet away from the ELMO’s throne opened, and a tall man wearing a business suit, a pink tie and sunglasses stepped through it. Although the spear was absent, Ned recognized him just the same.

“No!” gasped Fred. “I thought-”

“You were wrong,” hissed the ELMO maliciously. “My friend Quesalban here is one of my most loyal assistants. He’s an assassin, spy, kidnapper... whatever he needs to be to bring my plan closer to full fruition. He will be very great in my empire. Do you need to be reminded of what he said to you that night?”

The man in the business suit raised his right hand and pointed a finger at Fred. Then. he uttered the same phrase he had spoken on the night they had been captured, the proclamation spoken in French that had caused Fred to faint in terror.

“The Hamsters of Doom are coming.”

***

Ted was rudely jerked awake by a Turnip Keeper Captain. As his eyes slid open, he realized that he had a pounding headache and a turnip-shaped bruise on his forehead. He groaned in anguish before he recognized the sneering face before him.

“Nardon Haffingway!” he exclaimed. “I knew you would do something like this!”

“I’ll have you know that I’ve never forgiven you for that turnip incident back in seventh grade,” said Nardon. “Now I’ve finally got an opportunity to get revenge.”

“You get revenge on me?” replied Ted in disbelief. “You were the one who stole my lunch every day for two years. I nearly starved to death! Those turnips were used in self defense.”

“Enough!” shouted the ELMO. “Now is not the time for you to discuss old grudges. The completion of my plan is nigh, and I grow weary of this tedious talk.”

“Where am I?” asked Ted as he surveyed the dark throne room. It was was absent except for himself, Nardon, the ELMO, and Karri, who was still unconscious.

“You,” said the ELMO. “Are teetering between greatness and destruction. You must choose which path you will follow.”

“What are you talking about?” replied Ted.

“To put it simply, I am about to become the ruler of the world,” explained the ELMO. “Join me, and you will have a great position in the new kingdom I am going to establish. Refuse me, and you will suffer the same fate as your idiotic friends.”

“Hey!” exclaimed Ted. “What have you done with Fred and Ned? And I’ll never help you, not in a million years!”

“But you will help me,” said the ELMO. “If only by being one of the first to test out my latest invention. Haffingway!” he shouted, turning to Nardon. “Take him to the Slingshot. Aim it towards, hmmm, I don’t know, how about... Mt. Etna, that volcano in Italy?”

“AH!” Karri screamed and sat up, clutching her right leg.

“What should I do with that one, your grand exalted ELMO-ness?” asked Captain Haffingway.

“Take her back to her cell. No, wait take her to the Slingshot as well. In fact, empty the dungeons and take every prisoner to the Slingshot! It well be the perfect way to celebrate the eve of my victory!”

“I shall do as you have commanded, O Mighty ELMO.”

“Oh, and Nardon,” said the ELMO, switching abruptly to French. “If the Slingshot misfires... You will pay for it. Understand?”

Nardon gulped and nodded nervously.

“What slingshot? What’s going on here?” asked Karri.

***

The Slingshot was an impressive contraption mounted on the roof of the highest tower in the Fortress of the Turnip Keepers. Ned guessed it to be at least twenty feet wide, with a massively thick rubber band stretched between the two points at its ends. A complex system of gears, cranks and pulleys was spread throughout various locations on the machine. A Turnip Keeper guard was entering commands into a computer system located on the roof several feet away from the Slingshot.

As the guard changed the Slingshot’s setting, it abruptly jerked into the air, taking Fred and Ned, who were tied tightly to the rubber band, with it. Ned observed that several hydraulic pumps appeared to be providing the force necessary to move the Slingshot. Purplish liquid coursed through translucent tubes that disappeared into the unfathomable complexity of the Slingshot’s mechanism.

Is that...turnip juice? Ned wondered. He decided it couldn’t possibly hurt anything to ask the guard. “Hey you! Is this machine powered by turnip juice?”

“Be quiet and stay still,” said the guard. “Or you’ll regret it.”

Ned shrugged and surveyed the expansive view afforded him by the tower’s height. He could see stone walls that formed the border of the fortress, as well as a large building in the center that housed the throne room, guards barracks, and dining hall and stood over the dungeons. Outside the fortress fields stretched for miles in all directions. Ned could see several grazing horses and cows, and a few dilapidated farm buildings dotted the plain. From the position of the sun, Ned guessed the time to be around four or five o’clock, which meant he had been unconscious for at least a day.

Ned turned his head towards Fred. “So, what exactly did that guy say to you in French?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Fred snapped, looking away.

“Um, does it have anything with my theory about how the world is going to end?” asked Ned. The ELMO had hinted that he knew what had caused the Andromeda Galaxy to vanish.

“The world’s not going to end, but it doesn’t matter, because we’re all going to die anyway,” replied Fred dejectedly.

This seemed uncharacteristic of Fred, whom Ned remembered as always trying to find a solution to problems. I guess whatever the ELMO’s plan is, it must be pretty bad, he thought, wishing he knew how to speak French. “Well, maybe we can stop the ELMO’s evil plan.”

“Shut up!” yelled the guard as the Slingshot rotated ninety degrees to the right. “Or I’ll shoot into the volcano early!”

“I’ve always wanted to visit Mt. Etna,” commented Ned, trying to be twice as optimistic as usual in order to make up for Fred’s pessimism.

As he was speaking, the door leading up to the roof was flung open and Captain Haffingway jumped through. He stormed over to the control panel and shoved the guard aside.

“I’ll handle this!” Haffingway barked. “Go empty the dungeon of prisoners and bring them all up here. The ELMO wants to shoot them all out of the Slingshot to celebrate the his evil plan, which will be finished soon.”

“No, it won’t!” shouted Ned. “We’re going to stop it!”

“No, we’re not,” murmured Fred. “No one can stop the Hamsters of Doom.”

“Huh, what? The Hamsters of Doom?” Ned said confusedly.

“He’s right,” said Haffingway as he walked over to the Slingshot. “No one can stop the Hamsters of Doom, least of all you.”

A helicopter with a turnip painted on its side came into view, heading straight for the Fortress of the Turnips Keepers. The trapdoor that lead up to the roof was flung open again, and three guards climbed up, dragging Ted and Karri with them.

“Fred! Ned!” shouted Ted when he saw them. He looked pretty much unharmed and like he knew what was happening, but Karri looked green and like she had absolutely no idea what was going on. She was also limping, heavily favoring her right leg, and leaning on the guard that was pulling her along. Ned could understand both of what she was feeling right now, the climb to the roof had been dizzying, and he didn't know what totally was happening either.

“What is going on, and why are we walking towards a giant slingshot?!” she shouted at no-one in particular.

“Shut up! And get in the Slingshot!”

“I’ll explain,” said Ted as the guards began to tie him to the giant rubber band. “It’s like this, because we wouldn’t comply with his evil plan, the ELMO wants to fling us into Mount Etna, Italy, in a giant slingshot.”

“Huh?” said Karri. “Who is Elmo? Wait, do you mean that cute red monster from Sesame Street is behind all this?”

“Uh, no, but I’ll explain later, if we survive. If we don’t, um, well, let’s say we do.” said Ted.

“Go get the rest of the prisoners out of the dungeon,” commanded Haffingway. “I’ll handle these ones.” He grabbed Karri and began tying her to the Slingshot’s rubber band.

“Hey Ned,” whispered Ted. “Can you give me some good insults to throw at Nardon?”

Ned had an extensive vocabulary and was skilled at applying it in a variety of unflattering ways.

“Um, trying calling him a lowborn piece of scum,” suggested Ned quietly.

“Hey Nardon!” yelled Ted. “You lowborn piece of scum!”

Nardon punched Ted in the face. “There’s more where that came from if you don’t shut up!”

Ted groaned as a small trickle of blood flowed down his face.

“Fred,” whispered Ned urgently. “I think now would be a good time to tell us about the Hamsters of Doom.”

“Shhh,” replied Fred. “Wait until the guard leaves.”

“Ted Amberhop!” shouted Nardon. “Are you prepared to die?”

“What does he have against you, Ted?” asked Ned.

“It’s a long story. And it involves turnips,” answered Ted.

“Hmmm,” mused Fred. “Turnips are tied up in all of this somehow. If only I could figure out the connection...”

“I asked whether or not you were prepared to die!” Nardon yelled with a vicious sneer.

“Oh no. Oh no. Oh no,” Fred hyperventilated.

“What is it?” asked Ned.

“I just figured out what turnips have do with all this.”

***

Inside his throne room, the ELMO heard the whirring of the helicopter’s blades and all but giggled with glee.

“Tee hee hee!” he sniggered maliciously. “My Keepers have stolen the Eternal Turnip, and are bringing it back to me at this moment. Soon, my plan will be complete!” The ELMO walked towards the rear of the room and pushed his throne several feet forward, unveiling a trapdoor embedded in the stone floor.

“Oh how I’ve longed for this day!” the ELMO said as he knelt down and pulled the door open. “Decades of hard work and dedication are finally paying off! I shall soon be rewarded for all those years of building this fortress and stealing millions of turnips.” He jumped down into the chamber beneath the throne room.

The Turnip Sanctum, as the ELMO called it, had taken many years to construct, and even more years to collect all the turnips that were embedded in the floor and in every wall. A long hallway, completely covered in turnips, led from where the ELMO was standing down to a small circular room. In this room was a golden pedestal mounted on a dais made of silver. The pedestal was empty.

“But not for long,” the ELMO said to himself. “Soon, the Eternal Turnip shall take its place here, and then! Oh, it will be wonderful! Those McDonter fools had no idea what power was in their grasp!”

After walking down the turnip-strewn hall, The ELMO knelt on the dais and placed his hand on the pedestal. “My Lord Fluffy,” he said.

“You may rise,” growled and ominous and deeply menacing voice.

The ELMO looked up. There, projected against the far wall of the Turnip Sanctum, was the image of a hamster. But not just an ordinary hamster. While most hamsters are cute and innocent, this hamster exuded malice from every pore. He was Fluffy, and he was a Hamster of Doom, one of a horribly terrifying trio that had shed more blood and spread more terror than any other hamster ever had or ever will.

“How much longer until I shall once more rend the earth with my claws?” asked Fluffy, his slanted eyes glaring anger and hatred at everything around him.

“Soon you shall be free from your prison in the Andromeda Galaxy,” replied the ELMO. “Even as we speak the Eternal Turnip is being delivered to my fortress.”

Fluffy scraped his claws against something the ELMO couldn’t see. “Good,” he growled. “When I return, I shall have my revenge, and I will kill every single human who stands in my way!”

Fluffy roared a horrible roar, and even though he was just a hologram showing the real Fluffy, the Turnip Sanctum’s walls shook. The thought that maybe bringing Fluffy back to Earth wasn’t such a good idea after all flitted across the ELMO’s mind.

“I heard that thought,” said Fluffy. “Do not entertain the idea of betraying me, or you will regret it every day that you live. My reach is long and by might is strong, even from the Andromeda Galaxy.”

The ELMO shuddered and stifled a gasp. Fluffy could read minds? The hamster’s power had been steadily waxing for years, as evidenced by how he was able to block light from emitting from the Andromeda Galaxy, but this was something the ELMO had never expected.

“I heard that, too,” said Fluffy. “You can hide nothing from me!”

“Um, the Eternal Turnip should have arrived by now,” said the ELMO nervously. “I’d better go and get it.”

“Move quickly,” said Fluffy. “Soon the Hamsters of Doom shall return, and the world will feel what is it like to live in the terror of my shadow! BWAHAHAHA!”

The ELMO hurried out the Turnip Sanctum, careful only to think loyal thoughts all the way. As soon as he had shoved his throne back over the trapdoor, he fell to the floor, gasping and wondering if he might really be in this over his head.

***

Eisenhower followed the throng of people out of the meeting room and surveyed the air around him. During the brief time they had been inside, the sun had darkened and storm clouds were gathering. It looked like a storm was about to hit McDonter Manor. Nearby, Komri and some of the family heads were organizing people to complete all the tasks that needed to be done before they could start the rescue mission.

“Susan,” Komri said, speaking to his granddaughter. “I’m going to have to leave soon, so would you mind getting all the horses fed tonight? Thanks! Also, Manira eat dinner without us! This mission is too important to wait!”

Eisenhower decided to run over to where his father had parked the helicopter to see if Mathew needed help installing the egg-powered turbo engines.

“Eisenhower!” shouted Matthew as he saw the Oatmeal Sword Bearer approaching. “I need someone to hold this engine in place while I screw it on.”

Eisenhower rushed over to help his relative. He picked up the giant, cylindrical turbo engine and tried to lift it, but was quickly surprised and how it heavy it was and sat it back down.

“You won’t be able to lift it by yourself,” advised Matthew from his position under the helicopter. “I need you to crank up the hydraulic jack. The controls for that are located inside the helicopter, ok?”

“Got it,” said Eisenhower. He reached through the open window to the control panel and flipped a switch. A high-powered whir sounded, and the engine slowly rose into the air.

“Perfect,” said Mathew. “Now I can connect the motor to the helicopter’s emergency brake.”

The skilled mechanic open a hatch located on the underside of the engine and unraveled several multicolored wires. Matthew's hand guided each of the wires into it’s proper position beneath the helicopter. Several times he instructed Eisenhower to hold a wire in a specific place while he attached it to some other wire belonging to the helicopter. After using the Waffle, which had morphed into the shape of a wrench, to tighten a few bolts, he crawled out from beneath the vehicle and stood up. At the same time, a crack of thunder sounded, a light drizzle of rain began to descend from the cloudy sky. Mathew stood back and surveyed his work, inspecting the clunky-looking turbo engine for any flaws. Eisenhower heard someone approaching from the direction of the Manor and turned his head.

“Oh, there you are, Eisenhower,” said Elinter as he sprinted across the grass towards Eisenhower and Matthew. “We’ll need you and your brothers to join us on the rescue mission to save Muriel.”

Eisenhower nodded. He was a little bit surprised by this proclamation, but supposed it made sense. Muriel and her husband, Phelmatar, were close friends of Elinter. In fact, they were the ones that introduced Elinter and Daffiny to each other for the first time.

“I’ll go tell Truman, Jefferson and Arthur. Mathew just finished putting the turbo engine onto the helicopter, so we should be ready to go.”

“The engines are powered by eggs, so they’ll be able to go much faster if Komri is nearby and using his breakfast item,” said Mathew. “But even without Komri, these helicopters would be able to cross the Atlantic Ocean in just over half an hour.”

Eisenhower set off back towards the manor at a steady jog. The rainfall was slowly increasing in intensity, and by the time Eisenhower passed through the front gate water had washed away all traces of sweat from running. A quick scan of the courtyard told Eisenhower that Arthur was loitering in a corner.

“Arthur!” he called.

Eisenhower’s brother looked up, his hair wet from the rain. “What is it now?”

“Head towards the helicopter! We’re going to leave on a mission to rescue Muriel!”

“I’m sick of all this!” Arthur spat vehemently. Thunder boomed overhead.

“What?” exclaimed Eisenhower over the howling wind.

“I’m not helping you on your asinine quest! I’m going to go back to own to my life, one without you always trying to make me do your will!”

Eisenhower was surprised at this angry outburst. He drew his sword.

“See! That’s why I hate you! Because you hate me!” Arthur turned and hurried away towards the rear of the manor.

Eisenhower stared at the Oatmeal Sword in his hands. Why had he drawn it anyway? His training in swordfighting must have kicked in, and he had instinctively responded to an attack. Arthur must’ve thought his brother was going to attack him.

That was stupid of me, Eisenhower thought. Now he had alienated Arthur. But then, his brother had seemed very angry about something else, something Eisenhower couldn’t quite put his finger on.

Arthur’s fury had been an unpleasant shock, but there wasn’t time to dwell on it now. Phelmatar was going to rescue Muriel, but he couldn’t possibly do it by himself. He needed some help from his family. Eisenhower sheathed the Oatmeal Sword and ran towards the main manor building to find Truman and Jefferson. Hopefully, they would respond much better than Arthur had.

***

“So, um, what do turnips have to do with all this?” Ned asked.

“The Hamsters of Doom,” murmured Fred.

“But what are the Hamsters of Doom?”

Fred took a deep breath. “Have you heard of the Legend of Freddie the Great?”

“No.”

“Ok, I’ll tell it to you. Here it goes: Long, long ago, the Hamsters of Doom ravaged the earth. There were three of them, a monstrous trio: Fluffy, Puffy and Joe. And although they took the form of hamsters, they were nothing like the cute, innocent creatures you might find in a pet store. They crushed cities and devastated countries. They spawned legions of hamster minions, which were like themselves, only smaller and weaker. For many years they cast a shadow of terror over the whole earth.

But in a small village that was located nearby to where we are now, there lived a young man named Freddie McDonter, who would later be called the Great. One day hamster minions invaded the village, burning it to the ground and killing Freddie’s family. Freddie himself escaped, because he was out hunting to get food for his family at that time. When he returned, he vowed to bring down the Hamsters of Doom.

Freddie knew that the only way to defeat the Hamsters would be to collect the lost items of the Champion’s Breakfast from where they scattered throughout the four corners of the earth. He ranged far and wide and went through many trials to recover these items, but in the interests of time I will merely say he succeeded in finding them and set out to do battle with the Hamsters.

From the top of Mt. Everest Freddie declared his intent, challenging Fluffy, Puffy and Joe to do battle with him. The Hamsters roared terribly and beset the young warrior from all sides, determined to snuff him out. For five days and five nights the battle raged, with hamsters and breakfast items falling from the heights of the Himalayan Mountains. The fighting was fierce, and was watched by many a hopeful eye, those who wondered if Freddie could bring an end to these tyrants that had terrorized the earth.

Finally, it was over. Freddie struck down Fluffy, Puffy and Joe with the Oatmeal Sword, casting them to the ground and breaking their power. Then the young hero descended from the heights of Mt. Everest to smite his foes for once and for all.

Weary and bleeding from many wounds, Freddie approached the Hamsters. But while Fluffy, Puffy and Joe are terrible monsters, they are still somewhat cute, and Freddie was young and unaccustomed to violence. The Hamsters turned up their cuteness to the maximum level, and in the end, Freddie couldn’t bring himself to kill them, choosing instead to banish them. Using a mysterious process still isn’t fully understood today, he used the Eternal Turnip to exile the Hamsters to a prison in the Andromeda Galaxy. And he said, ‘By a turnip you were banished, therefore by turnips you shall return.’ The Hamsters vanished from this galaxy, and the world enjoyed peace for a time.”

“And so, now the ELMO is trying to use turnips to bring back the Hamsters?” asked Ned.

“Yes,” replied Fred. “And now I know that your end-of-the-world theory was wrong. When you saw that the Andromeda Galaxy had disappeared, it must have been because one of the Hamsters was using his power to block the light emitting from it. I don’t know why, however.”

“I must have made some sort of mistake when entering the data I had observed into the computer simulation, which caused it to mistakenly report that the world going to be destroyed.”

“So, what was your pet hamster’s name?” asked Ted.

“Wait, what, huh?” wondered Ned confusedly.

“Sorry, I talking to Karri,” explained Ted.

“Her name was Squirmy Joy. She was brown with pink spots,” said Karri.

“Amberhop! You wretched slimeball, listen to me!” yelled Nardon.

Nardon had screamed several insults at in his direction, but Ted had decided it wouldn’t be worth the breath it took to answer them when he could use that breath to talk to someone like Karri McDonter.

the Slingshot bucked and spun wildly. As Ted’s head was jerked around, he spotted Nardon messing with the controls with a wicked grin on his face.

The door leading to the roof was thrown open and a flustered-looking Turnip Keeper jumped out. Since the prisoners in the Slingshot were tied with their backs facing the door, they didn’t notice the newcomer until they heard his voice.

“Captain Haffingway, sir!” he said, saluting and facing Nardon. Karri thought the voice sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t place it.

“What is it, Lieutenant?” asked the captain.

“The dungeons are in chaos! A mysterious intruder has freed the prisoners and killed some of the guards. We’re trying to round them back up again, but it’s hard because the ELMO gave us strict orders not to kill them until the time comes to execute them in the Slingshot.”

“Get back down there and catch that intruder!” barked Haffingway. “Recapture the prisoners and tie them all to the Slingshot.”

Nardon scowled. He would have preferred to stay here and continue taunting Ted, but he supposed this matter needed the attention of high-ranking officer. He followed the lieutenant through the door and down towards the dungeon.

***

Eisenhower’s feet pounded against the damp grass as he ran back towards the helicopter. Truman and Jefferson followed close behind, having quickly agreed to be part of the rescue mission.

Komri’s helicopter, the Flying Hippo, had been parked nearby. A lifelike rendering of a bellowing hippopotamus boasting expansive, feathery wings adorned its side. Rewant stood next to it, arguing with Komri, yelling in order to be heard over the wind. The McDonter family head’s graying hair and beard were streaked with rain.

“Nobody wants a kleptomaniac with them during a critical operation,” growled Komri.

“But you need me!” protested Rewant. “And I’m not a kleptomaniac; I’m a master thief. I can sneak into the dungeons and free Muriel. Remember, I stole the Air-”

“Yes, we’re all too aware of how you stole the Air Force One,” replied Komri. “But you’re not coming.”

“Come on, you have to admit it would be useful to have an invisible man on your side,” said Rewant as he vanished into thin air. Eisenhower was startled for a moment before he remembered that Rewant was had been given stewardship of the Potato of Invisibility. As he looked closer, he could see raindrops coursing down an invisible Rewant-shaped object in the air.

“Rewant! Turn off that potato!” Komri snapped.

Rewant obeyed, his rain-streaked figure reappearing.

“The helicopters are full,” retorted Komri. “Myself, Elinter, Daffiny, their sons, and Philip are going. That’s all we can fit, and if we take another helicopter we risk alerting the Turnip Keepers to our presence too soon.”

“Arthur’s not coming,” said Eisenhower.

“Now there’s room in the helicopter,” said Rewant. “There’s no good reason for me not to come.”

“Fine,” Komri conceded. “But you must always follow orders, and if you steal anything that doesn’t belong to the Turnip Keepers, I’ll throw you out of the helicopter, even we’re flying over the deepest part of the ocean at that time.”

A flash of lightning crackled overhead, lighting up the sky.

“Is it safe to fly in this storm?” asked Jefferson.

“I can get the egg-powered turbo engines to move at two billion times the speed of light just long enough to dodge a lightning bolt,” said Komri. “But it doesn’t matter, because the helicopters are covered in energy cells that can absorb the energy of the bolts and use that energy to power the communications systems.”

Eisenhower swung open the door to Elinter’s helicopter and stepped inside, followed by Truman. The inside of the cabin was warm and dry, in contrast to Eisenhower’s damp skin and clothing. Elinter was already in the pilot’s seat, with Daffiny beside him. Eisenhower peered through the rain-streaked window and saw Komri, Rewant, Philip and Jefferson boarding the Flying Hippo.

Elinter started the helicopter’s engine, causing the main propeller to begin rotating. At the same time, the hologram on the dashboard flickered to life, and Philip’s seated form appeared. Daffiny pressed a button on the control screen causing the volume to increase so the ones in back could hear easily.

“Phelmatar recently arrived at the Fortress of the Turnip Keepers, and he turned his tracking device off,” said Eisenhower’s cousin. “We’ll have to move quickly once we get there in order to find Phelmatar and rescue Muriel.”

“How do I control the egg-powered turbo engines?” asked Elinter.

“Komri can handle both the engines at once. Just make sure your helicopter doesn’t get more than a mile away from the Flying Hippo.”

“Got it, we’ll keep close,” responded Elinter. He slowly increased the throttle, and the helicopter began to rise into the air.

“Komri’s going to activate the turbo engines the moment we reach optimum altitude, which will be in just two minutes,” said Philip. “He says to brace yourselves, because traveling in an egg-powered vehicle for the first time can be a little bit overwhelming.”

The two helicopter continued to ascend. Eisenhower gasped as he saw a flash of lightning hit the Flying Hippo. However, the helicopter and its occupants appeared unharmed, proving Komri’s word about the absorbent energy cells.

The turbo engine on the side of Elinter’s helicopter began to sputter and make noise. A weak stream of egg yolk flowed out of its rear, a byproduct of the energy generation process.

Eisenhower frowned. Could this struggling machine really provide the force needed to move at the speeds Komri implied?

“Is there something wrong with the-” Eisenhower’s inquiry was cut abruptly short by his own scream of terror as he was pressed against the back of his seat with astonishing force. The helicopter shot forward as the turbo engines kicked in, moving faster than Eisenhower had ever dreamed was possible.

***

Captain Haffingway hurried down the steps after the lieutenant, who was called Brogard. A long, spiral staircase led down from the top of the Slingshot’s tower to beneath it, where the dungeons were located. Several along the stairway led to various rooms, including one where the Slingshot’s turnip-powered generator was located. As they reached the bottom and entered into a large room that was part of the Turnip Keeper’s barracks, they saw a guard holding two men swordpoint. A saber was gripped in each of the guard’s hands, and he had the two prisoners backed up against the wall.

“I captured these two escapees. What should I do with them?” asked the guard, looking to Captain Haffingway.

“Give me a sword,” commanded the captain.

The guard looked a little bit confused, but handed Haffingway one of his sabers. Haffingway used it to stab one of the prisoners. The other man tried to escape as his companion slumped to the ground, but the guard quickly ran him down and slew him.

Lieutenant Brogard gasped. “But the ELMO said-”

“The ELMO cares more the execution of his evil plan, and the sooner we execute the prisoners the sooner the plan can be executed,” said Captain Haffingway. “From now on you have new orders. Kill all the escaped prisoners, and show no mercy!”

“Yes sir!” Lieutenant Brogard saluted.

“Follow me,” Haffingway growled. He took a spear from a weapons rack on the wall and threw open the door leading to the dungeon. The hallway that passed by the cells was just wide enough for three people to walk abreast. Haffingway led the way, followed by his two soldiers.

They passed by several empty cells with doors thrown open, including the one that had held Fred, Ted, Ned and Karri. Haffingway spotted the drunk guard still lying in front of the cell, only this time he was dead with a knife sticking out of his chest. It looked like one of the prisoners, less virtuous and merciful than Fred, had taken this opportunity to avenge himself on one of his captors.

The soldiers heard the sounds of a conflict up ahead. An escaped prisoner with a brown beard had his back against the wall and was armed with a length of chain. The chain whirled in a vicious arc, striking the stone and causing sparks to fly. A guard across from Haffingway was halfheartedly trying to stab the prisoner with his sword, but kept jumping back whenever the chain came near to him.

Captain Haffingway slammed the point of his spear into the man’s face. The spinning chain wrapped around the spear haft as the prisoner collapsed to the ground. Haffingway recognized the dead prisoner. He had been arrested four days ago for trying to steal from the Grand Treasury. The foolish man had probably hoped to find turnips there. Even if he had made it into the treasury, he would have been disappointed. The ELMO kept all the turnips his Keepers collected in a secret location, which he shared only with his right hand, Quesalban. Not even Haffingway, the foremost warrior among the Turnip Keepers, knew where this secret stash was stored.

A fork in the paths of the dungeons lay ahead. Each route led further into the intricate maze of cells. Haffingway scowled as he remembered how complex and expansive the lower levels of the dungeons were. Defeating all the prisoners that had escaped could take days if they could hide in all the nooks and crannies of the lower levels.

“How many prisoners did the mysterious intruder free?” asked the captain.

“Only those in the upper levels. Nobody’s reported any activity on the lower floors,” said Brogard.

“Good,” growled Haffingway. “Lieutenant, go check the left side of the dungeon. I’ll take the right. You two,” he said as he indicated the other two guards with him. “Drag those dead bodies out to be burned, then inspect the cells to see if anyone is hiding in them.”

The soldiers saluted and hurried to obey his orders. As they hurried away from him, Haffingway turned and strode up the hallway, back up the stairs, and through the trapdoor.

***

Lieutenant Brogard crept down the hall of the left-hand passageway. He looked slowly around the corner. He didn't see anything or anyone, so he came out into the open, and walked down the passageway. Then, as if out of nowhere, something hit him in the middle of his back. He gasped and fell, face down.

Strong hands grabbed him and turned him over. Brogard found himself looking into the face of a middle aged man with white hair. A a long sword was gripped tightly in the assailant’s right hand. Its tip rested a few inches away from Brogard’s throat. The man clamped his other hand over Brogard’s mouth to stop him from making noise. The lieutenant swallowed nervously as he looked into the intruder’s stern face.

“Hi,” squeaked Brogard, his voice muffled by the man’s hand. His father had always taught him it was important to be friendly when someone was holding a sharpened sword in front of your face. “I’m Brogard. What’s your name?”

“How do I get to the throne room?” the intruder hissed.

“Oh, so you want to visit the ELMO? I have to warn you though, he doesn’t like people barging in on him uninvited,” replied Brogard. It was the truth, as well as following another piece of advice his father had given him, that is, never lie to someone who can kill you with a brief movement. He wondered if he should scream for help, but then the intruder might just kill him and run away.

“I’m not going to visit the ELMO,” the mysterious man whispered. “Just tell me where the throne room is.”

“Well, if you go down that passageway and turn left, then climb up a long flight of stairs, you’ll get to the guard’s barracks,” explained Brogard. “From there, exit through the door on the right and go down a long hallway. The doors to the throne room are at the end of that hall.”

“Thank you,” said the intruder. Then he slammed the hilt of the sword against Brogard’s head. The lieutenant’s eyes closed and his head slumped limply to the ground.

He’ll wake up in a few hours, but with a bad headache, the intruder thought. Then he stood up and sprinted down the dungeon’s hall, following Brogard’s directions.

***

The ELMO had dispelled any doubts he had and returned to a state of glee as he considered the imminent, unstoppable return of Fluffy. He sat on his throne in the dimness of the triangular room, prepared to receive the Eternal Turnip, which would arrive any second now.

“Come in,” he called in response to a knock on the throne room doors. The door swung open and Quesalban stepped in, pushing a tied-up Muriel Whitestone in front of him.

“Turnip?” asked the ELMO in Quesalban’s native language. Without a word, the ELMO’s highest servant approached the dark throne. He reached into a satchel attached to his business suit and produced a shining turnip that glowed in the dark.

“The Eternal Turnip,” murmured the ELMO as he took the legendary vegetable from Quesalban’s outstretched palm. “You have done well, Quesalban. I shall see that you are rewarded once the Hamsters return.”

Quesalban nodded and left the room, his expression unreadable with his eyes obscured by the dark sunglasses. As the doors closed behind him, the room was plunged into almost total darkness.

Perfect, thought the ELMO as he fondly cradled the Eternal Turnip. He turned his sinister gaze towards Muriel.

“I am giving you a choice,” he said, subtly slipping the Turnip into the folds of his robe. “I expect you to choose wisely, for I am not very patient today. Either help me with my evil plan, or I will shoot you out of a giant slingshot into a volcano. No matter which you choose, my plan will be completed and I will rule the world. I advise you to choose the former, so that you may rewarded richly once the Hamsters return.”

“Never!” said Muriel, because she didn’t know what else to say.

“Whatever, fine,” said the ELMO. He’d lock her in the dungeon without any food or water for a while, and if that didn’t change her mind he’d just shoot her out of the Slingshot. But for now, he had better things to do. “Quesalban!”

The doors to the throne room opened once again, and a man stepped through, but he wasn’t Quesalban.

***

“So, now that there aren’t any guards watching us, do you think we can escape?” Ted asked as he pushed against the thick ropes binding him to the Slingshot.

“Well, I don’t know how we’d cut these ropes, and I have a sprained ankle, so I couldn’t walk very far,” replied Karri.

Ned looked at Fred. “Do you still have the key that opens everything?”

“It’s in my left pocket, but there aren’t any locks for it open, so it won’t be helpful,” answered his boss.

“Maybe we can use it to cut through these ropes?” suggested Ned.

Fred looked down at the thick cords wrapped around his arms. “No, I don’t think so.”

“What’s your favorite food?” asked Ted.

“Turnips,” replied Karri. “My mother used to make delicious turnip stew before she died.”

“Oh, I like turnips too,” said Ted.

“I thought you hated turnips,” objected Ned. Once, when Fred had brought turnip bread to eat for lunch in the laboratory, Ted had sat outside in the hall to eat. The smell of turnips made him nauseous, he had claimed.

“Oh, well I like them now,” answered Ted.

“Can’t you talk about something other than food?” said Ned. “Like maybe finding a way to escape before we get shot into a volcano?”

“It’s impossible. We’re all going to die,” sighed Fred dejectedly.

Fred’s being unusually pessimistic today, thought Ned. Maybe it’s because the Hamsters of Doom are coming.

“But we can’t just escape from here!” stated Karri.

“What do you mean?” asked Ted.

“The ELMO is evil! He’s been killing people and stealing turnips for years! After we get out of the Slingshot, we’ll be right in the middle of his fortress, and we must do stop something to stop him! We can end his tyrannical reign and free this country!”

“Yeah, Fred, we can’t let him bring the Hamsters of Doom back!” exclaimed Ned. “We have to do something, not just let him win and wait to die!”

“Wait, what, huh? What are the Hamsters of Doom?” asked Ted.

“You weren’t listening when Fred told that story?”

“No, I was talking to Karri.”

“Ok, I’ll summarize it for you.” Ned quickly gave a brief overview of the Legend of Freddie the Great, including the ELMO’s evil plan to bring the hamsters back.

“That’s just another reason to stop the ELMO,” said Karri.

“Is that a helicopter flying towards us?” asked Ted. “It’s moving very fast.”

“It’s two helicopters!” shouted Ned. “And one of them has a flying hippopotamus painted on its side!”

***

Phelmatar Whitestone stood in the doorway, his form a dim silhouette blocking the light coming into the throne room. He gazed at the dark robed man who was holding his wife captive. He pointed the sword gripped in his right hand towards the ELMO. Light glinted off its blade.

“Let my wife go, or else I will have to kill you,” he said, not beating around the bush in the slightest.

“BWAHAHAHA!!!” laughed the ELMO diabolically. “You really think you can assault me in the stronghold of my power and expect to emerge victorious? You’re a bigger fool than those prisoners I recently sent to the Slingshot.”

Komri would probably think of something really clever and daring to say right now, thought Phelmatar. But he wasn’t Komri, so he said something else.

“How about we just stop talking and start fighting so I can kill you and rescue my wife?”

The ELMO laughed again. He held out his hand, and a sword made out of turnips materialized in his palm. “Be my guest.”

Phelmatar strode towards the center of the room and faced the ELMO. The two combatants stared at each other for a moment before Phelmatar made the first move by swinging his sword in a wide arc. Steel clashed against turnip as the ELMO deflected the blow.

With a blazing fast movement, the ELMO brought his sword up and struck at Phelmatar’s head. Phelmatar ducked just in time, the deadly vegetable blade touching the hairs of his head. His opponent followed up with a devastating series of blows, forcing Phelmatar to retreat back across the stone floor as he blocked each one. Muriel watched anxiously. She wanted to help, but couldn’t because she was all tied up.

Phelmatar aimed a blow at the ELMO’s side, but his foe dodged it and struck at Phelmatar’s face, drawing a small amount of blood. As the fight went on, Phelmatar began to realize he was outmatched. Although Phelmatar and Muriel had won the International Husband and Wife Team Swordfighting contest ten years ago, they had both been younger and stronger back then, and the ELMO was like no opponent Phelmatar had ever faced. He was surprisingly strong and skilled at swordfighting.

As the battle continued, Phelmatar found himself increasingly on the defensive against the ELMO’s many blows, getting few opportunities to strike at his assailant. Suddenly, the ELMO raised the hand he wasn’t holding his sword in. A storm of turnips materialized out of nowhere. The vegetables repeatedly struck Phelmatar on his face, arms and chest.

“BWAHAHAHA!” laughed the ELMO as Phelmatar fell under the devastating barrage. So near to the Turnip Sanctum, his power was strongest. This intruder had never stood a chance of defeating him. Maybe this display of his power had convinced Muriel to side with him.

The ELMO turned away from Phelmatar, who was lying unconscious or dead on the floor, and paused. The intruder may have had accomplices. It was unlikely, but he couldn’t take the risk of having them sabotage crucial components of his plan before it was completed. He’d order his minions to prepare the Slingshot for its most important task, after which he would install the Eternal Turnip in the Turnip Sanctum, where it would provide the Slingshot’s turnip-powered engines with enough energy to launch millions of turnips through space. Lord Fluffy would be pleased.

***

Nardon Haffingway sprinted up the stairs towards the top of the Slingshot’s tower. As he ran, he felt a buzzing near his right thigh. The Turnip Keeper captain reached into his pocket and pulled out a hologram turnip, one of the ELMO’s many useful inventions, as well as the one he used to communicate with his high ranking officers.

“Nardon,” a voice came from the turnip-shaped device. A hologram of the ELMO materialized in the air just above it. “The final piece of my plan is about to fall in place. I have new orders for you.”

“Yes, sir. What are they?”

“I want you to fire the Slingshot into the volcano, even if you haven’t put all the prisoners in it yet. Once you’ve finished that, prepare the Slingshot for Operation Andromeda. It is imperative that you get the Slingshot ready as soon as possible.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Soon, I shall reveal to all the details of my plan. Once it has been completed, Quesalban and I will be leaving this place. You will be in charge. You are free to do as you wish with the fortress and the remaining prisoners. Understand?”

Nardon was pleasantly surprised by the proclamation. The ELMO had never shared his evil plan with him, and Nardon had never asked. All he knew was that the job paid well and gave him the opportunity to execute people in extravagant ways. When the ELMO had started referring to one portion of his plan as “Operation Andromeda” and taught Nardon how to aim the Slingshot towards the Andromeda Galaxy, Nardon had faithfully obeyed orders and not asked any questions. Now he was being rewarded for his loyalty. The ELMO would leave to complete his evil plan, and Nardon would have a fortress and an army of Turnip Keepers at his command.

“Oh, but this does come with one condition of course...do not let the Slingshot misfire. If those turnips go anywhere other than the Andromeda Galaxy....” the ELMO left the French threat unfinished.

Turnips? thought Nardon. The ELMO wants me to fire turnips into the Andromeda Galaxy?

“Yes, O Great ELMO,” replied the Turnip Keeper captain. He had always suspected the ELMO was slightly insane - after all, what right-minded man would devote his entire life to collecting turnips, only to build a giant slingshot and blast them out of it? - but Nardon had never cared. He was somewhat curious, however, as to where the ELMO would be going after the turnips were fired out of the Slingshot.

“If I may ask you a question...” said Nardon.

“Go ahead,” replied the ELMO.

“Where exactly will you and Quesalban be going after Operation Andromeda is complete?”

“Not that it matters to you, but.... we will be visiting Mongolia, the ancient spawning grounds of the Hamsters.”

Hamsters? thought Nardon. He remembered what Quesalban and Fred has said about the Hamsters of Doom. He had affirmed Fred’s statement, just to strike fear into Ted, even though he hadn’t really known what it meant.

The hologram turnip shut off. Nardon put it back into his pocket and hurried up the stairs, eager for his chance to shoot Ted Amberhop out of a giant slingshot.

***

The two helicopters flew across the Atlantic Ocean faster than Eisenhower had ever dreamed was possible, so fast that he had little time to talk about what they were going to do once they reached the Fortress of the Turnip Keepers.

“So, um, what exactly is the plan for rescuing Phelmatar and Muriel?” he asked. Looking outside the window at the clouds zooming by made him dizzy, so he stared at the back of his mother’s head in the seat in front of him instead.

“The first thing will be to find out where Muriel is being held captive,” replied Elinter as Daffiny sharpened her rapier. “Phelmatar is probably in there somewhere in there too, and it will be helpful to find him.”

“Ok,” said Eisenhower as the helicopter rapidly crossed a beach and began to fly over dry land. “Will we fly directly into the fortress or park outside and walk in?”

“Elinter,” said Komri as his holographic image materialized on the dashboard. “Telrance just forwarded me a message sent from Phelmatar’s helicopter twenty minutes ago. It says that Phelmatar landed his vehicle in a field full of grazing cattle and is now about to enter the fortress. We’ll station our helicopters in the same place as Phelmatar’s.”

“But how are we going to get over the fortress walls?” asked Truman.

“I can make a ladder out of mushrooms,” suggested Daffiny.

“Good idea,” said Komri. “This must to be a stealthy operation. We’ll need to get in, rescue Phelmatar and Muriel, and get out before the Turnip Keeper realize we’re there. Rewant will go first, because he’s invisible.”

“See? I told you I would be useful,” said Rewant.

“You won’t be useful for long if that big mouth causes you to be captured by the Turnip Keepers!” retorted Komri.

“How will we use the map?” asked Philip.

“Telrance also sent me a PDF document containing a map of the Fortress of the Turnip Keepers,” said Komri. “The Director of the FBI was glad to give it to Telrance when asked because Telrance saved his life back when they were both in the army. With it, we should easily be able to find our way into the dungeons to rescue Muriel.”

“How much fighting will there be?” asked Jefferson.

“Best case scenario is none, but if we’re spotted by guards we’ll have to fight our way out,” replied Komri.

“Is that the fortress?” asked Elinter, indicating a distant object rapidly coming to view.

“That’s it,” answered Komri. The egg-powered turbo engines shut off and the helicopters slowed drastically as they approached their destination.

The Fortress of the Turnip Keepers was an impressive structure located in the middle of a grassy field. Eisenhower spotted a few villages several miles off, but other than that the fortress was isolated. A tall tower with a bizarre-looking apparatus mounted on top was its most noticeable feature. Eisenhower squinted his eyes, trying to get a closer look at the strange device. It almost looked like a.... giant slingshot?

“That’s a slingshot!” came Jefferson’s voice over the communications device, confirming Eisenhower's suspicions. “And it has people tied to it!”

Eisenhower looked at the hologram of Jefferson on the dashboard and saw that his brother was looking through a pair of binoculars.

“Those barbarians are going to shoot live human beings out of a slingshot?” gasped Daffiny.

“Not if we rescue them first,” said Truman.

“Is one of them Muriel?” asked Elinter.

“I can’t tell for sure. It looks like there’s three men and one woman,” answered Jefferson. “The woman could be Muriel, but it could also be someone else.”

“How about we hover the helicopter right by that tower while Eisenhower and I get out,” suggested Truman. “Then we can rescue those people from that slingshot and sabotage it so that it can’t be used for evil ever again!”

“Sounds good to me,” commented Eisenhower. “I can use the Oatmeal Sword to cut through the ropes.”

“I don’t know if that is a good idea,” said Elinter. “Won’t the guards see us coming?”

“If the guards see us after we rescue the prisoners, we’ll distract to make it easier for you to breach the walls with Daffiny’s Magic Mushrooms,” countered Truman.

“Ok, let’s go rescue some innocent people from evil Turnip Keepers!” cheered Rewant.

***

As the two helicopters approached the fortress, the one with the winged hippo emblazoned on its side veered away. The other one, which was a silver color with four propeller blades, continued towards the fortress and hovered beside the Slingshot’s tower. Its side door swung open, and a tall man with muscles that looked like he had been a football player stepped out, navigating around the large, clunky cylinder on the helicopter’s side. He jumped onto the tower and was followed by a man with a similar-looking face who was wearing thick glasses and an old-fashioned army helmet. A leather satchel was slung over his shoulder and hung at his side. Once they had exited their vehicle, the helicopter flew away and disappeared beyond the fortress’s wall.

“Um, hi,” said Ted. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m Eisenhower Mcdonter, and this is my brother Truman,” said the first man.

“We’re here to rescue you!” added the man in the army helmet.

“Great!” exclaimed Ted. “Do you have a brother named Patton?”

“Actually, their names are Jefferson and Arthur,” answered Truman. Eisenhower drew a strange-looking sword from a sheath at his side. The way it glinted in the fading sunlight reminded Ned of oatmeal.

“I’ll use the Oatmeal Sword to cut through that rope,” he said.

“Wait, did you just say Oatmeal Sword?” blurted Ned excitedly. “Like the one that struck down the Hamsters of Doom?”

“Hamsters?” said Eisenhower in confusion.

“The ELMO has an evil plan to bring back the Hamsters of Doom! That’s why he’s been stealing all the turnips!”

“It’s a long story,” said Fred. “We’ll explain it all after we escape.”

Eisenhower use the Oatmeal Sword to slice through the rope binding the four prisoners to the Slingshot. Ted, Fred, Ned and Karri stood up and stretched, Karri wincing as she put weight on her hurt ankle.

“So, shall we destroy this instrument of evil?” asked Truman.

“Do it quickly,” said Karri. Eisenhower raised his sword and swung a mighty blow towards one of the Slingshot’s limbs. To everyone’s surprise, the blade bounced off harmlessly, leaving the wood unscathed. Eisenhower tried again, this time striking at the one of the plastic tubes with purplish liquid coursing through it. Once again, the weapon was repelled, and the tube was not damaged. Eisenhower’s hands were shaking as he gripped the hilt of the Oatmeal Sword, which was still vibrating slightly from the blows.

“Well,” he said after a moment. “This is the first thing I’ve ever come up against that couldn’t be sliced in two with the Oatmeal Sword.”

“The Hamsters are behind this,” stated Fred. “They must somehow be able to manipulate objects on earth from the Andromeda Galaxy, and they’ve given the ELMO the power of turnips. He probably put a protective turnip coating on the Slingshot. I don’t know any way to get around it.”

“Um, this power the ELMO has, would it get stronger if he had the Eternal Turnip?” asked Eisenhower.

“Of course!” said Fred. “He would probably need it to bring back the Hamsters, and once they were back, Fluffy, Puffy and Joe would want to make sure it couldn’t be used against them. If I have his motives correct, locating and capturing the Eternal Turnip would be one of the ELMO’s foremost goals.”

“He has it,” stated Eisenhower.

“That’s why we came in here in the first place,” explained Truman. “The ELMO kidnapped our Aunt Muriel Whitestone and stole the Eternal Turnip.”

Ted was distracted from listening to the conversation by a loud noise. The trapdoor leading to the roof swung open, and Nardon Haffingway jumped out. His face froze in shock for a moment has he surveyed the scene.

“Intruders!” he shouted. “The prisoners have escaped!”

“Stop him!” yelled Ted. Eisenhower turned toward the new figure on the scene and, observing the Turnip Keeper’s uniform and captain’s insignia, determined him to be a threat. He swung the Oatmeal Sword towards Nardon and charged forward.

“Amberhop!” hissed Nardon lividly as he fled back through the trapdoor and raced down the stairs. Eisenhower followed in hot pursuit.

“We must stop him before he warns the other Turnip Keepers!” exclaimed Ned. He ran after Eisenhower and was followed by the rest of the group, with the exception of Ted, who slowed down to help Karri with her sprained ankle.

Eisenhower followed the Turnip Keeper captain down the spiral stairway. Nardon’s armor clanked noisily as he fled. Eisenhower reached the bottom of the stairs and rounded a corner. He became aware of a sword swinging towards his face only moments before it struck him.

Eisenhower’s reflexes, finely tuned after years of sword fighting practice and playing football, kicked in. The Oatmeal Sword swung up, deflecting Nardon’s blade. Eisenhower riposted rapidly, striking at an area unprotected by the Turnip Keeper’s armor. Nardon ducked and rotated rapidly, then fled out a door to the left.

“That door,” said Ned, coming up behind Eisenhower. “Leads to the throne room, and the other one leads to the dungeons.”

Eisenhower nodded, adrenaline coursing through his veins. “Can you wield a sword?”

“Not as well as Ted can, but well enough to get by in a battle,” answered Ned. He grabbed a saber from a rack on the wall and tested it for balance. “This one will do.”

“We’ll have to fight if Nardon alerts the other guards,” said Fred. He pulled another saber off the wall and gripped it tightly. Truman fingered the pouch at his side, which contained his breakfast item, the Blueberry Bombs.

“Hey, where’s Ted?” asked Ned, looking around.

“Here,” answered Ted as he slowly walked around the corner, Karri limping along beside him. “Karri can barely walk.”

“You stay here and protect her while we go after Haffingway,” suggested Fred.

“Ok,” said Ted as Eisenhower tried to open the door.

“It’s locked,” he said.

Ned groaned. “We can’t afford to be trapped in here!”

“You forgot I have the Oatmeal Sword,” replied Eisenhower. He raised his breakfast item and drove it deep into the wood door. The door’s timber moaned and shrieked as the foreign object tore them apart. An outcry arose on the other side as Eisenhower sliced through the lock and kicked the door open. Several Turnip Keeper guards were waiting on the other side. They drew their weapons and charged at the intruders. Eisenhower, Truman, Ned and Fred burst through the entryway and plunged into the battle.

In a few minutes, the surviving Turnip Keepers had scattered. The four invaders stood in the center of the room, breathing heavily and bleeding from a few small cuts, although no serious injuries had been sustained. Ned looked around and saw several beds on the wall.

This must be the Turnip Keeper’s barracks, he thought.

“Onward!” shouted Truman, and Eisenhower lead the way out of the barracks and into the hall leading to the ELMO’s throne room. The group rounded the corner and looked into the stone hallway just in time to see Nardon burst through the twin doors, the ominous message they bore splitting in half as they parted to allow entrance.

“Should we go after the ELMO?” asked Fred.

“It may be our chance to defeat him for once and for all,” advised Ned.

“Well then, let’s do it!” shouted Truman. He leapt into action, racing down the hall towards the throne room.

***

The sounds of conflict reached Ted’s ear as he stood beside Karri, sweat slicking the handle of the blade he had confiscated from the weapons rack on the wall. A third door led out of the room to what Ted assumed to be the outdoor courtyard. Suddenly, the door was violently thrown open and a Turnip Keeper burst through. Ted gasped and prepared to strike with his sword before the Turnip Keeper slumped forward, still breathing but with a potato-shaped bruise on the back of his head.

“Is there anyone in there, Rewant?” came a voice from out of Ted’s line of sight.

“Two, but I don’t think they’re Turnip Keepers,” a voice came out of nowhere. “Hey, are you Turnip Keepers?”

“Who’s there?” exclaimed Karri.

“Oh, sorry,” said the voice. A young man with wet black hair appeared out of nowhere. “Potato of Invisibility,” he explained, holding up an ordinary-looking potato.

Ted was still a little bit confused. “Are you related to Eisenhower and Truman McDonter?”

“I’m a distant cousin of theirs. Rewant’s my name,” he said.

“There he is! Stop those intruders!” a Turnip Keeper commanded as he came into view and charged toward Rewant. Suddenly, a ball of scrambled eggs flew across the courtyard and slammed into his side. The Turnip Keeper stumbled over and fell to the ground.

“This is kind of weird,” said Karri.

“The Champion’s Breakfast,” explained Rewant. “And lunch. Do you know where the dungeons are?”

Ted pointed to the door on the far end of the room.

“Komri!” yelled Rewant. “I found the dungeons!”

A middle-aged man ran across the courtyard and threw a pancake at two Turnip Keepers with spears. The pancake slapped the first Keeper in the face, but the second one dodged the projectile and charged at the man who had thrown it. Two more people, a man and woman, leaped forward, both wielding rapiers. The two blades flashed rapidly, and the Turnip Keeper fell.

“That’s Daffiny and Elinter, Eisenhower’s parents,” said Rewant. “They won the International Husband and Wife Swordfighting Team contest last year.”

An elderly man with white hair and a sword made of eggs gripped in his right hand came into view. “That didn’t go as well as I expected. We’d better get moving before more Turnip Keepers come.”

“Eisenhower and Truman went out that door,” said Karri, indicating the door on the right. “They were chasing a Turnip Keeper captain in order to stop him from alerting the other Keepers.”

“Too late for that,” said Rewant, grinning. “Komri landed on one when he jumped over the outer wall.”

“How many guards are in the dungeons?” asked Komri.

“I don’t know, but one the Turnip Keepers said that a mysterious intruder had freed prisoners from the dungeon, and more guards went down there to help recapture them,” answered Ted.

“Probably Phelmatar,” said Komri.

“Is Muriel in there?” asked Elinter, drawing close to the room.

“Captain Haffingway, the dungeons have been cleared of prisoners!” a voice from inside the dungeon called. Komri held up his hand, indicating silence, and crept towards the door. It swung open, and a Turnip Keeper looked upon the scene with a shocked expression on his face. With a lightning fast motion, Rewant flicked his wrist and hurled the Potato of Invisibility towards the guard. The vegetable struck the Turnip Keeper’s forehead with a thunk, and he slumped to the ground, unconscious.

“Well, we won’t be finding Muriel in the dungeons then. She must be somewhere else,” said Komri.

“If you're looking for one of the prisoners, the ELMO might have taken her into his throne room to interrogate her,” said Ted.

“Can you show us the way?” asked Komri. Ted nodded in response.

***

Ned quickly looked around the throne room, searching for the ELMO. But the throne, which had been moved a few feet from its original location, was empty, and the hooded figure was nowhere in sight. Nardon stood in the center of the room, his face contorted into a scowling mask of desperate hatred. Near the doorway, a woman stood by a man lying on the floor.

“Muriel!” exclaimed Eisenhower as he recognized the woman.

“Phelmatar tried to fight the ELMO, but was hit by a massive storm of turnips,” explained Muriel. “He’s still alive, but I think he has multiple broken bones.”

Eisenhower cut through the ropes binding Muriel’s arms. She stretched and knelt down beside Phelmatar, trying to assess his injuries.

“Kill them all!” ordered Haffingway, and Ned saw more Turnip Keepers charging down the hall towards the throne room. Ned heard Nardon’s sword whistle through the air, and stepped to the side just in time to avoid it. He spun around and faced his adversary, holding his saber tightly. Nardon struck again, and Ned parried. Ned riposted, swinging his blade in a deadly arc. Fred leapt forward and attacked Nardon at the same time. Nardon dodged and deflected the blows, but was having a hard time against two opponents at once. Behind the combatants, the sounds of conflict arose, along with what Ned thought sounded like eggs breaking.

“Komri!” exclaimed Eisenhower as an egg flew through the air and knocked out a Turnip Keeper that had been about to stab him. He swung the Oatmeal Sword and dispatched another one that was trying to kill Muriel. The rest of the rescue party - Komri, Elinter, Daffiny, Phillip, Jefferson and Rewant - poured into the hall and crashed into the force of Turnip Keepers that was charging towards the throne room. Through a combination of breakfast items, skill and surprise, they were able to quickly overwhelm the confused Turnip Keepers.

Fred whipped his saber through the air and struck Nardon’s sword arm. Nardon grimaced in pain as his hand flew open and his weapon clattered to the floor. Blood began to leak out of the wound.

“Surrender,” ordered Fred.

“What are you doing in my throne room?” asked an angry and sinister voice.

Uh oh, thought Ned. He looked towards the throne just in time to see the ELMO step out from behind it. The ELMO raised his hand, and storm of turnips began. Ned doubled over, gasping for breath, after a turnip slammed into his gut with astonishing force. Another one of the vegetables struck his shoulder, and he fell to the ground.

Nardon retrieved his weapon from where it had fallen and raised it, preparing to strike Ned. Fred saw this threat and leapt into action, lashing out and kicking Nardon in the stomach. Nardon gasped and his blow went wide, clashing against the stone floor just before a barrage of turnips knocked over Fred.

“Quesalban!” called the ELMO. “Execute Operation Andromeda! Do it now!”

“Everybody! Try to get outside!” yelled Fred. “We must stop the ELMO’s evil plan!”
A wave of eggs flew through the air and rose to meet the ELMO’s turnips. Komri strode towards the center of the room, eggs flying all around him as he repelled the vegetable barrage.

“Elinter! Help Phelmatar and Muriel escape!” commanded the McDonter patriarch. “I’ll hold off this worthless bag of scum!”

Now that the Komri was blocking the storm of turnips, the members of the rescue party could rise to their feet. Phillip and Muriel picked up Phelmatar, who was still unconscious. Truman reached into his bag, produced a handful of blueberries, and hurled them at the ELMO. The little explosive fruits detonated, rocking the room and causing the ELMO to stumble. Komri took advantage of the opportunity to attack his hooded opponent. The ELMO was surprised and put on the defensive for a few moments, but recovered in time to launch a massive wave of turnips at Komri. Komri was pushed backwards, but he kept fighting, slinging wave after wave of eggs at his foe.

“We have to get the Eternal Turnip back and stop the ELMO from bringing back the hamsters!” yelled Fred.

A mechanical whir sounded, and a portion of the roof over the ELMO’s throne slid away, allowing the evening light through.

“BWAHAHAHA! You can never defeat my evil plan!” laughed the ELMO as he sent a wave of turnips spinning towards Komri. Fred ignored this comment, instead turning around and racing out of the throne room and towards the door he knew led to the courtyard. Ned followed him, along with the McDonters.

Fred burst through the door and into the courtyard. The sound of an engine running caught his attention, and he turned his head to see the crane he had first noticed when on the Slingshot’s tower rotating towards the fortress’s main building. Its claw began to lower through the hole in the throne room’s roof. Fred looked up and saw a man in a business suit was operating the machine. Quesalban.

“What’s going on here?” asked Eisenhower as he ran up beside Fred.

“That man is going to bring back the Hamsters of Doom!” exclaimed Fred.

“Wait, I thought the ELMO was going to do that,” replied Eisenhower.

“He’s the ELMO’s evil minion,” explained Ned. “He kidnapped us out of our laboratory.”

The crane began to pull it claw back out of the throne room, and Fred saw that it was holding a giant net full to the brim of turnips. Ted ran through the doorway and sped towards the crane.

“He’s going to shoot turnips out of a giant slingshot into the Andromeda Galaxy,” said Fred. “I’ll explain in detail later, but for now we just have to stop him.”

“Ok,” said Eisenhower. He lifted the Oatmeal Sword and charged after Ted towards the crane. Ted was already scaling the ladder leading up to the control cabin as fast as he could. In the cabin, Quesalban reached into his pocket and produced an iPhone. After tapping it several times rapidly, he pointed it at the Slingshot. The machine on top of the tower turned and pointed towards the Andromeda Galaxy.

“An app for controlling the Slingshot,” murmured Fred as he approached the base of the crane. “The ELMO hasn’t fallen behind on the latest technology.”

Ted had almost reached the crane’s cabin. He reached for the door, hooked his fingers around the handle, and attempted to pull it open.

That was when the throne room exploded.

A massive geyser of turnips and eggs blasted into air, spiraling higher and higher until it finally reached its climax and fell down. Bits of vegetables and scrambled eggs fell from the sky, showering everyone in the courtyard. Fallen pieces of stone struck the ground, causing dust clouds to billow into the air. A small earthquake rocked the ground, spreading from its epicenter among the ruins of the ELMO’s lair. The crane swayed wildly, causing Ted to lose his footing on the ladder. He grabbed the open window of the control cabin as his feet scrambled to find purchase on the crane’s infrastructure. Quesalban, seeing his assailant in a weak spot, leapt from the chair in the cockpit and pried Ted’s fingers away from the window. Ted fell, but managed to grab one of the ladder’s rungs a few feet down. He wrapped his feet around the ladder and clung tightly.

Elinter and Daffiny raced towards the ruined throne room. Just as the dust was settling, they saw Komri stand up, then promptly wince and grab his back.

“That hurt,” he said, brushing off some of the dust that had settled on his arms. “I’m not as young as I used to be.”

The turnips in the net swung towards the Slingshot as Quesalban pulled a lever. Ted continued advancing up the ladder, but it seemed impossible for him to make it in time.

“Truman,” said Eisenhower. “Do you think you can use the Blueberry Bombs to destroy that tower with the Slingshot on it? We might not be able to destroy the Slingshot directly, but if we can take down the tower...”

“I’ll try,” said Truman. He charged towards the tower, reaching into his satchel for a handful of blueberries. But before he could plant the explosive fruits its base, a turnip flew out of the sky and whacked him on the head. Truman stumbled and fell.

“Did you think you had gotten rid of me in that little explosion?” asked the ELMO, leaning against the tower’s base. “You probably already know this, but...your efforts to thwart the rise of Fluffy are doomed to failure. No one can stop the Hamsters of Doom! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

The crane opened its claw, and its cargo of turnips fell straight into the Slingshot.

“Are you alright?” asked Eisenhower as he ran up beside Truman.

“I’ll be fine,” said Truman as he reached into his pouch for another handful of blueberries. Eisenhower jerked him aside just before a massive wave of turnips would’ve slammed into him. The flying turnips halted just before they would’ve hit the brothers and instead flew straight up into the air. The ELMO used his hands to guide the turnips over the top of the tower and into the Slingshot.

“That’s the last of them,” said the ELMO as the final vegetable fell into place. “Quesalban, fire!”

“NOOOOOOO!!!” shouted Fred. He tried to throw a sword at Quesalban, but it fell miserably short.

The French assassin in a business suit tapped a few commands into his iPhone, and the Slingshot’s motor began to whir. Gears and pulleys spun rapidly, and the Slingshot’s rubber band was slowly, inexorably pulled back. Ted finished climbing the ladder and opened the door to the control cabin, but it was too late. Quesalban pressed one more button on his iPhone, and the Slingshot fired. Its rubber band snapped forward, and the turnips flew through the air at incredible speeds.

Straight towards the Andromeda Galaxy.

Fred watched in disbelief for a moment as the vegetables that the ELMO had been collecting from decades moved faster and faster, until they finally broke through Earth’s atmosphere and out of sight. After a moment there was a huge boom, and for a split second everyone was frozen in terror. Then the ELMO laughed with a malicious, triumphant glee that broke the shocked silence.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE HAMSTERS OF DOOM ARE COMING!”

“Quick, capture the ELMO!” commanded Fred, snapping back into reality. “We can still bring him to justice! His power of turnips will be gone now because he just shot them all into the Andromeda Galaxy!”

The ELMO stopped laughing abruptly to glare at his enemies.

“Quesalban, the smoke bombs!”

Quesalban pushed Ted out of the crane. Fred tried to catch his assistant as he fell, but it seemed impossible. Daffiny saw the problem and dashed across the courtyard, pulling a mushroom out of a bag similar to Truman’s. She hurled the mushroom at the base of the crane. Just before Ted collided with the ground, the mushroom blossomed, growing to several feet in height and length. Ted landed on the fungus, bounced harmlessly off, and rolled in the grass.

“Thanks for saving my life, um, what was your name again?” asked Ted.

“Daffiny,” she responded. Quesalban climbed partway down the ladder and threw a dark, round object. The object hit the ground and detonated, sending a massive cloud of smoke into the air that hid the ELMO. Fred ran around in the smoke, trying to find Quesalban or the ELMO. To his right, another smoke bomb went off, sending a new wave of obscuring gas flooded the air. Fred coughed and dropped to his knees, trying to get some fresh air.

“To Mongolia, Quesalban!” the ELMO commanded, but Fred couldn’t tell where the voice was coming from. The country he had named stirred Fred’s memory. Mongolia had something to do with the Hamsters, but he couldn’t remember what.

When the fog cleared, the ELMO and Quesalban were nowhere to be seen. Fred stood up and wiped his watering eyes. Daffiny folded up the giant mushroom and put it back into her bag.

“Do you want us to give you a ride home?” asked Komri.

Fred nodded. “I live in Upper Ogleden, as do Ted and Ned.”

“That’s near to where we’re heading,” said Komri.

“We’ll have to spread the word about the Hamsters of Doom, and get ready to fight them. I’ll explain it all to you on the ride back.”

“Do you want to come with us?” Ted asked Karri.

Karri shook her head. “Actually, now that the ELMO is gone, I think I’ll go back to my turnip farm. I know a doctor who can fix my ankle, and this country is going to need help recovering the turnip famine.”

“I’ll give you ride back to your village in a helicopter,” offered Muriel. “And speaking of doctors...we’d better get Phelmatar to one soon.”

Phelmatar groaned and opened his eyes. He tried to sit up, but winced and lay back down. “What happened?”

“Our family formed a rescue team to come and get us,” explained Muriel.

Phelmatar’s name seemed familiar to Ted somehow, but he couldn’t place it. “Do you ride a rhinoceros, by any chance?”

Phelmatar shook his head confusedly.

Why did I say that? thought Ted. He wasn’t in the habit of saying random things, but he felt this would be important sometime in the future.

The McDonters inspected the fortress and found that all the surviving Turnip Keepers had fled into the surrounding wilderness. Before they left, Truman used his Blueberry Bombs to destroy the Slingshot’s tower. With the turnips and the ELMO gone, the protective coating on the Slingshot was ineffective, and the ELMO’s machine was annihilated. Just before they left, Fred did a quick search of the fortress and found a few items of interest, including a journal in which the ELMO had recorded the progression of his evil plan and everything he found out about the Hamsters. Fred pocketed the book, planning to read it at a later date.

Muriel flew the helicopter with Phelmatar, Fred, Ned, Ted and Karri in it. After dropping Karri off at her village, they flew back across the Atlantic Ocean. Fred used the communications device to tell people in the other helicopters about the Hamsters of Doom.

“I don’t know how much time we have left before the Hamsters return, and I don’t even know if we’ll be facing one, two or all three of them. However, the Hamsters won’t be at their full strength when they first get back. If we can locate and defeat them before they get too strong, it will be much easier.”

“These hamsters can only be defeated by the wielders of the Champion’s Breakfast?” asked Komri.

“Yes, which is why your family is so important,” replied Fred.

“I’ll call a meeting tomorrow and bring it up so we can plan a course of action.”

“I’ll need to do some more research, including reading the ELMO’s journal, which I found in the Fortress,” said Fred.

It was night by the time the helicopter got back to McDonter Manor.

***

Mandibar, a shepherd of Mongolia, gently nudged the last of his goats into the pen for the night. The stars shone brightly and the moon was full, giving him plenty of light to work by. He dismounted from his horse, Nightwish, and latched the gate to the goat pen. One of the nanny goats bleated loudly before settling down.

His wife had invited Chiost, the town sheriff, over for lunch that day. It had been a pleasant meal, with Mandibar talking to his old friend. He had worked as deputy for Chiost eight years ago, before he bought a goat farm and moved to the countryside. Chiost had told him that he was considering raising some goats for meat and milk. Mandibar gave him helpful advice, after which the subject of the conversation changed to a mysterious traveler who had wandered into the town and quoted an ancient but bizarre prophecy about the return of some hamsters. Mandibar said that the hamsters must be metaphorical, but for the life of him he couldn’t imagine what they were metaphorical of. Chiost said that the prophet had probably been crazy and that the prophecy likely didn’t concern them anyway.

A light in the distance caught Mandibar’s eye. He looked up and saw a shooting star rocket across the sky. It flew over a hill and landed in the valley beyond, emitting a bright flash. It wasn’t far, so Mandibar decided to go check the spot where the star had landed before heading back to the farmhouse. Although he didn’t believe the ancient fables about a pot of gold appearing wherever a shooting star crashed to the ground, he was curious to see what it looked like. Maybe he would bring his children to the sight tomorrow.

Mandibar hopped on Nightwish’s back and trotted him up the hill. The horse, surprised by the departure from their normal routine, offered only a slight whinny of protest. The night air was chilled despite it being summertime, but Mandibar’s jacket warded off the worst of the cold. When they reached the top of the hill, Mandibar looked around and whistled in amazement.

The valley, which formerly had been covered in a lush, vibrant covering of wild grass, was scorched and charred. All the plants had been burned to cinders, leaving nothing still living. Nothing, that is, except a new creature, an abnormally large hamster sitting among the ruins. The hamster clawed the earth, tearing great furrows in the ground. Looking up to the sky, the beast roared terribly.

“Soon I shall rise again, and the whole world will know that Fluffy has returned!”

The End

***

To be continued in:

The Rise of Fluffy

The Return of the Hamsters, Book Two

Silly Writing

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Adulting is Only Adulting if You Blog

Sunday, May 21, 2017

ANNOUNCMENT!

FICTION IS AWESOME!!!!!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Behold the logic

ATTENTION!

YOU PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INSANE!

The Turnip Keepers

who let the hair out ? who? who? who?

Pigalattine!